Checking in on Boundaries
“Respect my boundaries.”
“They crossed my boundaries.”
“I don’t have any boundaries.”
Boundaries is a term that has gained popularity since our society finally decided that mental health exists, ought to be talked about, and something worth caring for. The b-word is one that we’ve grown comfortable using in our daily vernacular, but what do we really mean?
Before we continue, notice what first comes to mind when you think of the word, “boundaries.” Is it limitations? Walls? A physical barrier? An invisible line? Something else? As you read through this post, see if you can identify different areas of your life where boundaries show up.
Now that you’ve done a quick check-in, let’s take a look at what boundaries are and how they can be useful!
What
For many, boundaries are a way of keeping things out (and by “things” I mean anything — people, places, objects, thoughts, emotions, behaviours, all that jazz). We keep certain people at a distance, have specific behaviours that we won’t tolerate, or refrain from certain foods because they cause allergies. What if I told you that boundaries also involve what you allow in?
There are different types of boundaries: rigid and porous. This is similar to permeable, semi- permeable, or impermeable cell membranes. Some like to call them “hard” versus “soft” boundaries. Hard boundaries are more rigid and tend to be uncompromisable. A possible example may be, “I will not stay in a romantic relationship if my partner intentionally hits me.” Softer, more porous, or semi-permeable boundaries look something like, “It’s okay if my friend doesn’t always answer the phone, but if it happens too often, I would want to talk to them about it.”
Who and Where
The following is a non-mutually exclusive list of where boundaries might be useful, together with some examples and questions to prompt reflection:
Personal life
With others (friends, family, co-workers, neighbours, romantic interests)
With yourself (when do you choose yourself, make time for yourself? What activities do you allow yourself to engage in or refrain from?)
Professionally/academically (how much work to do, type of work, how much time are you dedicating to school work compared to other areas of your life, where and when are you doing work, dynamics between you, your boss/teacher/supervisor, and colleagues)
Interpersonal relationships
Spiritually
Communally
When
If you haven’t already done so, take a moment to do an inventory of where your boundaries currently are. It’s a good idea to review and adjust boundaries as you see fit, and especially when there’s been a life change. We are constantly growing and changing with every interaction, thought, experience we have. It’s normal for our values, wants, needs to change. Sometimes they stay the same and we simply realize that what we were doing (or having the same boundaries we’ve had) wasn’t actually in alignment with what we wanted or needed.
Why
Setting boundaries aren’t about building walls; it’s about creating bridges and fostering strong, meaningful connections. They allow for healthy communication and expression between people and within ourselves, which prevents burnout, fatigue, and exhaustion. Boundaries are the foundation upon which trust and intimacy are built.
As the saying goes, “Know your limit and play within it.”
How
Regularly check-in with yourself and notice how you’re reacting to situations or responding when you’re in specific environments, time of day, with certain people, or in a particular mood. Note the intensity of emotions, body sensations, and the self-talk or internal experiences that are occurring. Lastly, check-in with others and get feedback. Sometimes we aren’t aware of how we show up.
Think about what boundaries mean to you. Where does it show up in your life? On the courts, in the field, when you’re playing sports? In relationships with others? What boundaries do you have with yourself? What other areas in your life do boundaries come into play?
Here are some worksheets to help you get started!