Finding Resilience after Heartbreak
“I tried my best, but it wasn't good enough."
"I am not loveable. Who is going to want me?"
"Where do I go from here?"
Most of us consider the end of a romantic relationship as a failure. As women, in our roles as partners in a relationship, we frequently take on responsibility for the break-up, separation, or divorce and see it as failing ourselves or others. This ending can impact our self- esteem and leave us feeling unlovable, unwanted, or less desirable. The ability to see the end of a relationship not as a failure but as an opportunity to rebuild and move forward is an incredible skill. Women are incredibly resilient. Sometimes, this skill doesn't come naturally to every woman; however, we can learn to be resilient. One way to do this is to build a healthier self- esteem so you can bounce back more easily when you face failures or setbacks.
We can view failure in two ways: as a stumbling block or a stepping stone. Just because the relationship ended and we feel disappointed and defeated doesn't mean we've failed. Instead, we have a choice: we can view this "failure" as an opportunity to learn from it. We can see it as the beginning of growth. We can shift our mindset from "I failed" to "I learned." That's the beautiful thing about resilient women; we often see failure not as something that holds us down but as a part of life and a chance to grow and learn from our experiences.
What is Your Mindset? Is it a Fixed Mindset or a Growth Mindset?
According to Carol Dweck, there are two types of mindsets: fixed and growth mindset. Those of us with a fixed mindset believe our skills and abilities are set for life, inflexible and cannot change. Anytime we encounter a failure, we see it as a reflection of our limitations. On the other hand, those of us with a growth mindset see "failure" as an opportunity. Opportunity to show our resilience, grow, develop, enhance, and strengthen who we are. We see failure as a challenge and a necessary, unavoidable part of life. Life comes with failures, setbacks, and losses, but also opportunities, beauty, strength, growth, and success.
Whichever mindset we have now, it is important to understand that our mindsets can shift and change depending on our life circumstances or the area of life we focus on. Can you think of an area of your life where or when you had a fixed mindset? For example, when considering dating, have you said, "This is impossible! I will never find love again." Shifting your perspective to a growth mindset and seeing it as an opportunity for growth and new possibilities, the negative self-talk changes to "Dating again is challenging, but I'm enjoying meeting people and hoping to find love again!"
Practice Reflective Journaling
Reflective journaling is one way to understand our failures and reflect on our experiences rather than placing the focus and blame on the negative. By journalling, we gain clarity, and by putting words on a page, we take the emotional weight off the situation rather than staying focused on all the negative feelings. Self-reflecting allows us to acknowledge our painful experiences and discover chances to learn and grow. The process helps us spot patterns and discover areas of improvement or personal growth, and it helps us find our resilience. When journaling and reflecting on failure, consider the following questions:
What happened? (Be specific)
How did you feel in the moment? (This allows you to have an emotional release)
What did you learn from the experience? (Let's try to see the growth)
What will you do differently next time? (What lessons did you learn?)
Rather than viewing a break-up as a failure, we can see it as an opportunity for healing and growth. A growth mindset helps us see that our failures are not flaws, and we can challenge the way we talk to ourselves. We can reframe our negative self-talk. Rather than saying, "I failed as a partner," we can say, "This relationship didn't work, but I can learn from it and grow stronger." Remember, we will struggle, and building our resilience is an ongoing process that takes time. Speaking with a therapist can offer support and help us move forward and grow from our negative experiences and failures