Supporting Friends and Family Through Grief: What to Say and Do
There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Although grief is a universal experience that we all go through, it is so unique in that every individual experiences and processes grief in their own way. We all grieve differently. And when we witness someone we care about go through this experience of grief, it can be hard to know how to best support them. Sometimes, just that fear of maybe saying the wrong thing, making them feel sadder or thinking that we may be bothering them can prevent us from reaching out, but remember that your care and support can make a world of a difference in their healing process. Even if you don't have the perfect words or actions, the easiest and simplest thing you can do is to just show up for them. Be by their side, sit with them in their grief, and be willing to listen. You don't need to try and fix anything. You don’t even need to say anything. It's often more important to simply be present by their side and offer a compassionate ear as this will provide the comfort they need and will make them feel less alone. It will make them feel seen, heard, and validated. Your presence and willingness to listen alone can make a tremendous difference for someone who is grieving.
Sometimes it can be difficult to find the right words to say, but here are some general phrases that can make someone experiencing grief feel comforted and supported:
I’m here for you - saying this reminds and reassures them that they’re not alone.
I’m so sorry for your loss - by saying this you’re expressing to them you recognize/acknowledge their pain and offering your support.
Tell me about [the deceased] - asking them to share memories of their loved one can be comforting for them and it lets them know you genuinely care about their emotions and experience.
It’s totally okay to feel the way you’re feeling - by saying this you are reassuring them that their feelings are valid and understood by you, which will make them feel less alone in their grief.
I can’t imagine what you must be going through, but I care about you - by saying this you are avoiding assuming you know what they’re going through and again reassuring them that they’re not alone.
On the other hand, sometimes we say certain things with the good intention of wanting to help them feel better, but we may end up unintentionally invalidating the grieving person’s feelings.
To be more mindful of how our words may impact someone who is experiencing grief, try to avoid the following phrases:
They’re in a better place now - by saying this, it can come across as if you’re minimizing their pain/loss and discouraging them from being able to fully express themselves.
Everything happens for a reason - saying this can invalidate the griever's pain and dismiss their feelings. I know how you feel - each person’s experience with grief is unique so by saying this, it may make the other person feel like you’re dismissing their experience and that their emotions are not being fully understood by you.
At least they lived a long life - by saying this you may come across to them as overlooking their pain, rationalizing the loss, and therefore invalidating their feelings. Sometimes, our actions speak louder than our words.
Here are some practical ways to support someone who is grieving:
Be present - Just showing up for someone who’s grieving can be reassuring and provide comfort.
Actively listen - Provide them with the space to openly express themselves without any judgment or interruption.
Support with daily tasks - Grief can be overwhelming, making it hard for them to focus on prioritizing their daily tasks, so if possible, help them out with household chores and running errands.
Send a thoughtful gesture - Even a small kind gesture such as getting them a small gift, a care package, or card and flowers goes a long way, letting them know you’re thinking of them and uplifting their mood.
Regularly check-in - It takes time to heal from grief and move forward with life. Making sure to periodically check-in with your loved one and continuing to provide your ongoing support will be crucial to their healing.
Encourage professional guidance - If you witness them struggling to cope with their grief, guide them to seek counselling/therapy or join a support group as this will provide them with a safe space to explore and process their emotions and have access to additional valuable tools/resources