Uncovering Male Voices and Experiences in Couples Therapy
When navigating the complex world of intimate relationships, couples therapy is a priceless tool. Unfortunately, pre-existing gender conventions and prejudices have frequently dominated talks about male experiences in couple’s therapy. Creating healthy relationships and emotional well-being requires an understanding of the specific difficulties that men encounter in treatment. So, picture this: a guy walking into a therapy session, unsure of where to start. We’re talking about common challenges that men seem to face in couples therapy – the kind of stuff that often gets brushed under the rug or easily overlooked. Shining a light on these issues can be a game-changer in making therapy more effective and appealing to men.
It’s not uncommon to hear the labels “unemotional” or “hard” when talking about men. They are also expected to have their lives fully figured out and able to lead when in a relationship. The seeds of misogyny and anti-feminine bias are frequently sown by this social conditioning of males and young boys (Ni, 2023). They are therefore socialized to repress their feelings, especially those that are associated with femininity, such as empathy, sensitivity, and the capacity to form deep connections with people (Ni, 2023). Because women have also been conditioned to accept the stereotype that “men don’t cry,” they are not innocent in any of this. Let’s face it, males who cry or exhibit excessive emotion tend to turn off a lot of women and men know this, which further perpetuates this damaging narrative. That’s where therapy can become a little complicated. It’s like sailing new waters to break away from these prejudices. Therefore, therapists play an essential role in providing a safe space where people may overcome these prejudices and learn to open-up emotionally.
The art of communication is another major problem for men in therapy. Unresolved conflict persists in relationships where there is a communication breakdown. This makes it challenging to handle pressures like money, sexual intimacy, kids, and employment (Davin, 2022). Couples that don’t communicate well frequently feel emotionally insecure and alienated. This further leads them to experience frustration, unimportance, and loneliness (Davin, 2022). They are pessimistic about the relationship’s longevity because it is rarely possible to mend and heal previous hurts, much less current ones (Davin, 2022). This keeps people trapped in unfavourable communication patterns, which hinders their ability to relate to one another and collaborate to settle issues (Davin, 2022). We’ve all heard the cliché that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, right? Well, there’s some truth to that when it comes to how each communicate. Men often default to problem-solving mode, where they try to fix things instead of expressing their feelings. In couple’s therapy, learning effective communication skills can be like learning a new language, and therapists can be the language tutors, helping couples find the right words to connect with each other.
Another loaded topic is that of power dynamics. Power and control issues within relationships can take many different forms and affect both parties. Men may find it difficult to give up control or, on the other hand, feel emasculated if they believe there is an unequal power dynamic. Couples’ therapists need to be aware of these dynamics and collaborate with both partners to create a healthy balance of autonomy and power. The perfect middle ground where both partners can feel heard, acknowledged and valued. The emphasis should be on how to play to each other’s strengths and emphasize the fact that it is the couple versus the problem and not against each other.
Let’s not forget about intimacy. The bedroom can be a bit of a minefield for guys, what with societal pressures and all. Performance anxiety, anyone? It’s a real thing, and therapists are like our coaches, helping us talk openly about desires and fears to create a more intimate connection. Closeness, trust, understanding, familiarity, mutual affection, physical contact, and sex are all components of intimacy. Most men value each of these components, and most of them didn’t think any of them to be more important than the other; true intimacy encompasses them all (Drescher, 2024). That being said, there is a common misconception that males value physical intimacy far more than women do. A man’s definition of intimacy is influenced by his personality, socialization, attachment style, and upbringing (Drescher, 2024).
Lastly, identity and role confusion can be quite challenging today. Men may find themselves having to redefine what it means to be a partner as a result of shifting gender norms in today’s world. The conventional and constrictive notions of masculinity are out of date with the society we live in, which is the root of the global crisis in masculinity. It is imperative for men in today’s world to learn how to take full responsibility for childrearing, homemaking, to be conscious of the damage we do to the environment, to support efforts to eradicate domestic violence, and to demand employment that does not discriminate against or exploit women. These things require a lot of learning and unlearning which can only occur in a safe and progressive space.
In summary, the purpose of this discussion is to better understand men’s challenges in couples therapy and the reasons behind them. It’s about transforming therapy into a space where men feel comfortable being authentic, open, and actively involved in creating healthier and more satisfying relationships. Ultimately, a more intimate and inclusive method of couples therapy is advantageous to both parties.
References
Davin, K. (2022, September 12). Impacts of lack of communication in a relationship & 13 ways to improve. Choosing Therapy. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/lack-of- communication-in-a-relationship/
Drescher, A. (2024, January 16). What is intimacy to a man? Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/what-is-intimacy-to-a-man.html#:~:text=For %20many%20men%2C%20intimacy%20involves,guard%20away%20from%20outside %20pressures. Ni, P. (2023, June 24). The impact of gender expectations on boys and young men.
Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/communication- success/202306/the-impact-of-gender-expectations-on-boys-and-young-men