Motherhood - The invisible load
For many, motherhood comes with many moments of immense joy. From newborn snuggles, first steps, the sounds of little feet running down the hallway to your bedroom (at 5am!), sweet voices saying, “I love you mama”, kindergarten graduations, sports, school, friendships and everything in between. As truly amazing as these experiences can be, for many women, the unseen mental and emotional demands of raising children in today’s society can feel lonely, exhausting and overwhelming.
With families being more spread out and many households having both parents working, managing the demands of raising children with little external support can be extremely difficult. This load can feel extremely heavy and lead to internal struggles surrounding sense of identity, perfectionism, emotional well-being, and burnout.
A mother has many roles; caregiver, nurse, counsellor, nurturer, guide, teacher and friend. Alongside these emotional demands comes mental and cognitive loads; the scheduling, school emails (why are there so many!), sports, playdates, birthday parties, doctor’s appointments, homework, cleaning, laundry, cooking and the list goes on and on!
Many moms relate to the feeling of just pushing through the week in survival mode, neglecting or suppressing their own needs, to be all the different roles their family need them to be. Society tends to normalize this kind of maternal self-sacrifice, but for many women, parenthood feels overwhelming, and their mental health becomes impacted. This can show up in different ways;
Mental overstimulation: Never feeling like you able to fully shut off, unwind and relax can becoming exhausting and overtime can lead to emotional dysregulation, irritability, stress and fatigue.
Emotional depletion: Many moms, especially those with younger children, can relate to feeling ‘touched out’ and craving personal space, which can lead to feelings of irritability and overwhelm. What makes this harder is that desiring a break, or taking time away for yourself can often trigger feelings of guilt or shame.
Identity loss: Motherhood brings with it a shift in identity, and although many feel very connected to this new identity, this change can activate feelings of grief and loss over losing the old version of yourself. These feelings are often compounded by the changes in social life, activities, and restricted freedoms that motherhood places on us.
Perfectionism: In a society full of social media comparisons, it can be extremely hard to feel like you are ‘good enough’. Social media often portrays motherhood as effortless, natural, and joy filled, but the reality is that some moments and seasons can be truly difficult. The comparative nature of society can activate beliefs such as ‘I should be able to handle this’, ‘other people have things harder than me’, or feelings of being unseen and unsupported.
What can help?
Validation and normalization of the challenges of motherhood: Processing difficulties around parenting with a safe and supportive person can help reduce feelings of guilt, shame, and isolation.
Reconnecting to yourself: Exploring and reconnecting to your identity outside of the role of ‘mom’ can be immensely helpful. Learning to understand and attend to your own needs and boundaries can help generate self-compassion and restore a sense of connection to who you were before you became a mom.
Nervous system regulation: The demands of motherhood can push your nervous system outside of its window of tolerance, leaving you feeling anxious, irritable, shutdown, exhausted or dysregulated. Learning to recognize when you are moving outside of this zone, and utilizing skills to bring you back to a place of calm and regulation can be immensely helpful.
Improving support systems and communication: It really does take a village to raise children! Exploring ways of increasing your support systems and communicating these needs can help provide resets and moments of space that can assist you to manage the heaviness of the load.
If you can relate to any of the experiences, please know you are not alone. Motherhood is both immensely beautiful, yet immensely demanding, and both those things can be true. You don’t have to navigate these feelings alone; therapy can provide a space to explore these feelings and learn new and effective ways to manage these demands.