Her Voice Matters — Especially in the Bedroom

“I do not know what I like.”

I have heard so many women say this when talking about sex, and it always makes me wonder how we got here.

Talking about sex can be uncomfortable enough. Talking about what we actually like, what we want, what we do not want, or what we might like to try can feel much more vulnerable. Maybe it is embarrassment. Maybe it is fear of being judged. Maybe we worry about hurting our partner’s feelings. Or perhaps we have simply never been encouraged to think about our own sexual experience in the same way we think about our partner’s.

For many women, nobody ever really taught us that our sexual preferences were something we were supposed to explore, understand and talk about.

We have complicated messages about female sexuality

Women have been given some pretty mixed messages about sex.

We are encouraged to be attractive and desirable, but there has historically been much more discomfort around women openly expressing that they are sexual beings with desires of their own. There is a difference between being taught how to be desirable to your partner and being encouraged to understand what makes YOU feel desire and pleasure.

That distinction matters.

A woman can spend years in a relationship knowing what her partner likes, accommodating his preferences and assuming that sex is simply something that happens between two people without ever really asking herself, What do I enjoy? What feels good to me? What would I like more of?

And sometimes she does not ask because she does not even know what the answer is.

How could she?

If you have spent your entire adult life having sex in essentially the same way, with little conversation about what you enjoy or what you might want to experience differently, you may have no idea what you are missing. You may assume that what you have experienced is simplywhat sex is supposed to be.

I think this is something we do not talk about enough.

Sometimes you have to experience something different before you realize there was something different to experience.

That does not mean that everything you have experienced in a past relationship was bad. It may simply mean that you never had the opportunity to discover what sex could feel like when there is curiosity, communication, mutual attention and a willingness to explore what feels good for both people.

And that can be a pretty eye-opening realization.

Sometimes desire changes

There is another piece of this conversation that is important because sometimes a woman knows exactly what she likes. She just does not feel the same desire she once did.

Hormonal changes, menopause, stress, medications, sleep, physical discomfort and relationship difficulties can all affect sexual desire. A woman may remember having a much stronger sex drive when she was younger and wonder where it went.

She may still love her partner. She may still find him attractive. She may still want affection and closeness.

She just may not feel that same physical pull toward sex.

Research on female sexual response has also challenged the idea that desire always has to come first. For many women, desire can be responsive rather than spontaneous. It may develop through affection, touch, emotional connection or sexual stimulation rather than appearing out of nowhere.

That does not mean women are emotional and men are physical. People experience sexuality differently, and there is enormous variation between individuals. It simply means that a woman who does not spontaneously think about sex is not necessarily broken or “frigid.” Her experience of desire may work differently, or it may have changed.

And sometimes both are true.

When we stop talking about sex

This is where I think things can become difficult for a relationship.

In conversations I have had with women, I have heard how complicated this can become when they are uncomfortable talking about sex. They may know that something is missing but not know how to explain it. They may not know what to ask for because they have never really stopped to consider what they want. Or they may have learned that sex is something they participate in rather than something they are allowed to have an active voice in.

Over time, couples can become disconnected without either person really intending for that to happen.

The physical connection becomes routine. Affection becomes less spontaneous. One person may want more closeness, while the other begins to associate intimacy with pressure or obligation. Eventually, both people may avoid talking about it because the conversation itself feels uncomfortable.

And neither person necessarily knows how to change it.

I think this is why sexual communication matters so much. Not because there is some ideal amount of sex a couple should be having, but because good intimacy requires two people who are able to be present in their own experience and communicate about it.

A woman should be able to say what she enjoys without feeling embarrassed. She should be able to say what she does not enjoy without feeling guilty. She should be able to ask for something different without worrying that she will be judged. And if she does not know what she likes yet, she should be allowed to be curious about that too. There is no requirement that she arrive at the conversation with all the answers.

Sometimes discovering your sexuality is a process. It can involve learning to pay attention to your own body, becoming comfortable with pleasure, communicating what feels good, and giving yourself permission to be curious rather than simply accepting what you have always known. And perhaps that is the part I most want women to hear.

Your sexual experience matters.

It matters because intimacy is supposed to involve YOU, too.

You deserve to know what feels good to you. You deserve to be able to talk about it. And you deserve a partner who is interested in knowing.

Sometimes the first step is simply becoming curious enough to ask yourself a question you may never have been encouraged to ask before: What do I actually enjoy?

Because your voice matters. Even in the bedroom.