The Shifting Expectations Of A Father Over The Last Century
With Father’s Day having just passed, the role of a father has been on my mind as of late. For much of history, up until the late 20th century, a father’s sole job was to provide for his family. He did not even have to spend much time with his family (if he did not want to). So long as he was earning enough money to rid his loved ones of any financial burden, he was doing all that was required of him. The image of the fathers in Mad Men, a television series set in the 1960s, springs to mind. Most of the fathers in that show work in New York City at an advertising agency, with their wife and children living in the suburbs. They spend most of their time in New York City, rarely seeing their children, but once again, that’s considered okay because the reason they are in New York City is to work at a very high-paying job.
As I said, the idea of the father’s sole responsibility being to provide for his family began to change towards the end of the 20th century. At this time, that notion changed to “it would be nice if the father could show up more and be present in their child’s life”. This switch can be found in the 2010s television show Modern Family which focuses on three different branches of one family (a father with his new wife and stepson, and his two adult children who both have their own respective spouses and children). As I mentioned the father (Jay who is now in his sixties) is thrust into fatherhood again as a result of his second marriage. At the beginning of the series, we see Jay struggle a lot with his stepson. However, he comes to an epiphany when his stepson’s biological father promises to come take him to Disney World and blows him off (leaving his stepson devastated). He decides that the key to being a good dad is simply showing up. While I can definitely say Jay being there for his kids makes him a far better father than the ones of Mad Men and that era, I believe even in the short time since that episode aired, our standards have (thankfully) increased. A father is no longer asked simply to provide for his family or to just show up for their children, they are now asked to actually be a good father.
So what makes a good father? It is hard to give one definitive answer, as that often depends on the perspective of the child. Sometimes two siblings with the same father will have different opinions on how they were raised, but based off of research, this seems to be the general consensus:
Show warmth
Another outdated notion for fatherhood is that a father, by being a pillar of strength, must also be cold. That they must show to their children what masculinity looks like, and with that comes the old fashioned idea that any display of emotion is “too feminine”. This is not true. Children want to feel a sense of connection with their father, and much of that comes from the breaking down of any walls that they have put up, and showing genuine affection, love, and emotion. Hug your child, tell them you love them, don’t be afraid for them to see you cry. Another piece of media about masculinity and fatherhood is the movie The Iron Claw about the Von Erich family who were famous professional wrestlers. Towards the end of the movie, Kevin Von Erich breaks down into tears upon realizing that now that all of his brothers have passed away, he is not a brother anymore. His sons see him crying which upsets him because he says “they shouldn’t see him like this, a man doesn’t cry” to which they assure him that is okay, he can cry, everyone cries.
Be supportive
It should come as no surprise that every child wants to feel supported. That is not to say a father has to agree with everything their child does or cannot discipline them when they behave poorly. What it does mean is that a child should be able to rest easy with the knowledge that their father will love them no matter what and help them with whatever trials and tribulations they might face.
Have fun
One of the many outdated ideas surrounding fatherhood is that a father must be stern. He is not there to have fun with his child, he is there to parent his child. As I said, I acknowledge discipline and rules are important, but fun times should still be a part of the equation. If a son or daughter looks back at their childhood and cannot think of one happy/ fun moment they shared with their father, that is a problem. That is why Jay’s philosophy from Modern Family is not correct, you don’t just want to spend time with your children. You want to make sure it is time they will cherish even once you are long gone.