The Art of Unlearning the Urge to Fix: Reflections of A Student Therapist
Caring deeply about others is something that draws many people towards the helping profession. I was no exception to that. Before beginning this journey towards being a therapist, I imagined that being helpful meant offering insight, guidance, and/or solutions. Things that are tangible and could ease a person’s distress. But this urge to fix does not just show up in the therapy room. It exists far beyond it. Lots of us, whether you are a client or a therapist, bring this same drive or desire to “solve” problems out of sessions and into other relationships such as friendships, relationships with family members, and even our own inner dialogues. While wanting to fix can feel caring and productive, it can also bring an emotional toll that we may not see or feel right away. When we put our energy into constantly trying to solve problems, we put ourselves at risk of burnout, resentment, or disconnecting from the experience of being present with the other person.
Being the fixer was something that was easy for me. I was the advice giver, family conflict manager, or even the one putting pressure on myself to feel better when I was struggling. This act of fixing often shows up out of my own discomfort rather than the other person’s needs. When I first started out on this journey into being a therapist, taking a step back, listening, and being present without solutions was challenging, but also very freeing. It allows the relationships I cultivate, both with myself and others, to exist more authentically.
As a student therapist, these authentic connections reinforce the importance of unlearning this urge to fix. It is not just a clinical skill; it is a life skill. One that I am constantly learning and seeing the value in having. Learning to hold space for clients has also helped me recognize when I need to do the same for others in my personal life, like friends, family, and myself.
There is a lot that goes into this unlearning process. It is multi-layered and something that goes far beyond just resisting the impulse to offer advice or solutions. There is a need to nurture self-awareness. Taking the time to notice in the moment when those urges arise and understanding the motivation behind it, whether it is anxiety, discomfort, or the desire to feel helpful. It requires us to be emotionally regulated and not rush to intervene when uncertainty, silence, or unprocessed feelings arise. Reflective practice is also essential, participating in journaling, supervision, and personal therapy can help identify patterns that come up in both personal and professional contexts. Moreover, it demands us to have ethical and relational awareness, recognizing that rushing to solve problems or fix things can unintentionally put the therapist at the forefront or impede on a client’s autonomy, this is also something that can be brought into personal relationships as well. Lastly, unlearning requiring constant skill building through being curious with the questions you ask, holding space, and observing patiently without fixing. Unlearning is a continuous and intentional process.
Reflection has been an important aspect in learning to sit with the discomfort and resisting this urge to fix. Taking a minute to pause and reflect on how these patterns show up in my own life have been helpful. Below are some questions I’ve been exploring when this urge to fix shows up:
How do I define what it means to be helpful? Has this changed over time?
What feelings arise when I resist the urge to give solutions or advice?
When I have that urge to “fix” someone in my personal or professional life, what motivated that urge?
How might holding space and being present with someone without fixing support the person’s growth or autonomy?
In what ways could that urge to fix reflect my own needs instead of the needs of the other person?
What are some strategies or tools I can use to continue unlearning the urge to fix?
Unlearning this urge to fix is not a quick or linear process, it is something that is ongoing. Every time I pause, listen, and hold space without trying to solve, I notice this shift towards a deeper understanding, more meaningful connection, and a sense of calm within the discomfort. This practice continues to remind me, and perhaps you too, that helping does not always mean doing, sometimes it just simply means being. Presence, patience, and reflection are where real growth happen, not only for us but for our clients and our other relationships as well.