To Fight Or To Accept

A few weeks ago, I was listening to the This Is Us podcast (yes, even that show has a podcast), and a conversation came up that intrigued me: how does one know when to fight a situation, and how does one know when to accept it? This issue is particularly pertinent in This is Us as Randall, one of the main characters, is a control freak and while this can be a good thing in many situations (he is always the one of his siblings to get the most done), it also means he tries to control things he simply has no power over, such as his mother’s Alzheimer’s disease.

This conversation reminded me of my dad. When my dad was initially diagnosed with cancer, he decided he was going to fight it. He was determined to beat the deadly disease. He plastered his home office’s walls with motivational quotes such as “Failure is not an option” (ironically, this is a quote from the Apollo 13 lunar mission, a situation where the people involved truly did take control of a seemingly impossible situation). However, in the last year of my dad’s cancer battle, the cancer began to ravage his body, robbing him of the ability to talk or eat. It was at this moment that he knew his battle had ended, and he accepted that his fate was to die. He had what many envy: intuition. He knew when the battle was in his control, and he knew when it was not.

I love control. I am what some would call a “control freak”. When my mum tries to soothe me by saying “there is nothing you can do”, it causes me further stress.

The older I get, the more I learn. I must swallow the tough pill that we actually control very little.

However, I do believe that to resign yourself to a life of no control and let life simply happen to you is not the answer. I can name many scenarios where my determination and relentlessness helped score me victories in numerous areas of my life.

Every morning, I watch The View, and at the end of every episode since Donald Trump’s re-election, Whoopi Goldberg tells the audience, “It’s up to us”. From what I have read in various fan forums for the show, this sentiment has bred much disgust. People see this as Whoopi dismissing the pain that Donald Trump inflicts upon them and the gross inequality of the situation. I disagree. I believe what Whoopi is trying to convey is a message of hope that people do control an awful lot in regard to politics. America, as of right now (and hopefully until the end of time), is a democratic country. People have the power to vote for whoever they like. There is the freedom to peacefully protest. We can call local politicians to voice our disdain. Further building upon Whoopi’s point, nothing bothers me more than when people complain about certain political leaders and then refrain from voting. It is, in this respect, up to us.

Every year, my mum and I go to St Jacobs. While we are there, we always visit this store I can best describe as “witchy”. It has candles, sage bundles, evil eye accessories, and herbal tea blends. A few years ago, when my dad was in the aforementioned toughest part of his cancer battle, I purchased an evil eye bracelet for protection. My mum and I also began indulging in other Wiccan rituals for good luck, such as cleansing our house with sage repeatedly and blowing cinnamon through our door. Alas, our efforts did not prove successful, my dad and dog both died of cancer.

We are not alone; plenty of people do rituals. New Year’s is littered with acts such as wearing red or eating twelve grapes for good luck. The reason? People like to feel in control. The key, however, is to not make too much of these rituals. Whenever I think of rituals, I think of Silver Linings Playbook (one of my favourite movies), where the protagonist, who has OCD, tells his father that the rituals he does ahead of a football game are not that unlike the rituals he does for OCD, especially given the emotional toll these sports rituals take on him.

The latest of these acts I have delved into is manifestation. All over my Instagram feed, I have seen many posts claiming that if one manifests, they will get what they want, so that’s what I did. I wrote down on a piece of paper what I want, now let’s see if I get it.

Even though I am an atheist, the serenity prayer often springs into my mind: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference”. The reason for this is that it does not take religion to know one of life’s biggest quandaries is when to fight and when to accept things for the way they are. One can argue that our intuition will lead the way, but do we truly ever know for sure? I don’t have the answer, and I believe you will be hard-pressed to find anyone who does. At the end of the day, we are all just trying our best. There is no rule book.

However, with all of that being said, I can think of a few tips for deciding when to take control of a situation and when to let things be:

Take control when….

1. You are the only one impacted

It is much harder to control an outcome when other people are involved, and unfair to try to control others. But if you are the only person involved, then that makes the matter a lot simpler.

2. There is time to prepare

It is very hard to change a situation if it is currently transpiring, but if said situation is not set to transpire for quite a while, there is still time to change its trajectory.

Let go when….

1. There are uncontrollable aspects

As I said, as someone who loves control, this is a hard pill to swallow, but alas, there are some things we simply cannot control. For example, we cannot control the past, the future, the weather, systemic issues, people (the list goes on). If these aspects pop up in a situation, it is best to let them go.

2. Diminishing returns

If a situation, while in your control, is going to ask a lot of you and give you very little in return, that is another sign it is best to let go.