Mental Load: The Invisible Work Nobody Sees

Mental load can be described as constant mental responsibilities that keep you feeling “on” all of the time. After the day’s work is done, there can still be a mental checklist going on in your head. Remembering upcoming events, appointments, and the small details of everyday life, and the schedules for yourself and others, can leave you feeling extra exhausted. Carrying a heavy mental load can include remembering, anticipating, planning, organizing, monitoring, problem-solving, and making decisions. It includes the thoughts of what you have to do, or what you feel you should do.

Our brains have limited working memory, and we feel on alert when we are balancing many unfinished tasks at once. We may be able to function, but we become overwhelmed when in this state for prolonged periods of time. When carrying a demanding mental load, we are more likely to become anxious or irritable with others around us, often without realizing why. We may have difficulty relaxing or sleeping, and may find ourselves feeling overly emotional without an obvious cause. It is hard for us to sit down and relax when our brains keep reminding us that tasks are incomplete or need our attention.

It is important to recognize the mental load checklist. A therapist can help you to do this, and help you to realize unrealistic expectations you may be placing on yourself. A therapist can guide you to speak up for yourself and set boundaries. With a therapist, one can challenge beliefs such as “If I don’t do it, no one will,” and “I am the only one who can do this.” If you have a demanding mental load, it doesn’t signal any type of failure. Often, it shows that you care deeply and carry too much responsibility. It is important to realize that not everything needs to rest on your shoulders alone.

Schedules and checklists, as well as writing down and tracking tasks on paper, can allow one to release the pressure to always remember. Finding moments to ground ourselves daily, “turn off,” and connect to the moment can provide respite. Examples of this include self-care, being in nature, and engaging in activities that bring joy or meaning.

Practical Ways to Lighten the Mental Load

• Instead of always relying on your brain, create a system that keeps track of everything for the family. This could be a shared Google calendar, a shared grocery list app, phone and timer reminders, and a whiteboard for weekly tasks around the house.

• Assign jobs to others in the household, such as “manager of appointments,” “meal planner,” and “lunch packer.” Trust that others will learn over time what to do.

• Try to become aware of the “should” thoughts and take a pause. Your worth is not determined by what you do. Ask yourself, “What would happen if I didn’t do this?” “What if this is good enough as it is?

• Schedule times when your brain is off duty. Examples include a 20-minute walk, reading, sitting outside with a coffee, listening to music, and practicing mindful activities.

• Try journaling when you feel overwhelmed. Notice feelings of guilt or self-criticism that may not be fair to you, and write down alternative, compassionate responses to your own feelings and expectations.

In time, you can become more comfortable with the idea that not all responsibilities are truly yours. Learning to assign duties and trust others can help, and looking after yourself and your mental health can become a priority.