Healing: The Quiet Work of Becoming Whole

I feel like as a therapist I constantly repeat that healing is not linear. But I know I am not the only one and there’s a reason for that. It’s true. Healing is this beautiful chaos. Something that is not neat and tidy, it is laden with grief, it’s non-linear, identity-shifting, and it can be very messy. It involves fear, joy, growth, and discovery. One moment you are confident and grounded in who you are and the next moment you are second guessing and grieving the versions of yourself that carried you this far. It is a deeply personal journey that each one of us go on, and as a therapist I am honoured to walk with my clients through theirs. On a personal level, I understand the joyful mess that comes along with the healing process.

You’re allowed to outgrow who you had to be

One thing we don’t talk about enough is the grief that comes with growth. We celebrate setting boundaries. The increase in self-awareness. The confidence and the glow up. But no one prepares you for the whiplash that comes with becoming someone new, this different version of yourself. Especially when it means outgrowing the version of yourself that once kept you safe.

Healing is not just about learning healthier patterns. It is also about releasing identities that no longer serve the person you are.

All the versions we had to become
There is a point in your life, you became who you needed to be. Maybe you became the strong one who didn’t cry, a peacemaker who avoided confrontation, a high achiever who earned love through their
accomplishments, someone who was hyper-independent and didn’t need help, or maybe you were the emotionally guarded one who always stayed two steps ahead. Or maybe at some point in your life, you were all of the above.

All those version are not flaws; they were simply adaptations. Our nervous systems are wired to protect us. They build patterns that increase safety while working to reduce pain. And those patterns become our identity. When we say things like “I’m just anxious,” “I’m the responsible one,” or “I’m just independent,” we are not just saying statements we are often telling our survival stories.

Growth and our changing roles
When we begin the healing process it can be destabilizing. We start saying no, we start resting, taking the time to ask for support, and taking note of when we start to abandon ourselves. In this process, like any change, it can feel like we are regressing backwards. But in all reality, it is not a regression, it is a rehearsal, because identity changes take repetition and practice. You can go back to people pleasing, slide into shut down, or begin over functioning again. This of course should not be seen as failure, as I mentioned at the start healing is not linear and this slide back is part of it. It is a part that should be normalized and that we need to have compassion for ourselves when these slides happen.

The grief of becoming
When we think of grief a lot of the time we associate it with a death-related loss. In actuality there are a lot of different things that we grieve throughout our lives. Growth can bring about grief because at times it can feel like you are losing your role in your own story. Things you might miss could include the certainty that came with knowing your role, the praise you may have gotten from over functioning, an illusion of control, or the safety of emotional distance. Even if a role created exhaustion, it was predictable, and that predictable creates safety. Healing does not erase the grief but it does allow room for us to hold space for it while we move forward through our journey’s.

Honouring the version that survived
Outgrowing the version of you that survived means holding space and having compassion for that person. Growth does not require us to shame those past versions of ourselves. Those versions were not weak, they weren’t dramatic, and they weren’t “too much,” or “not enough.” Instead, they were coping, they were protecting, and they were doing their best with what they knew at the time. So, when you outgrow that version don’t forget to thank them for keeping you safe when you needed safety. That’s not a betrayal, that is an evolution.

You’re allowed to become
You are allowed to become a version of yourself that no longer operates from constant survival. You are allowed to need support, be soft, set boundaries, change your mind, change your role, and change your story. Those past versions carried you through and they matter, grieving them is an important part of the process. I know for myself, knowing that you are allowed to become is a struggle. There is oscillation because there are some many factors that come into play with healing and learning to hold space for past and present versions of yourself. It is important to remember to rest and be gentle on this journey and take time to reflect.

Questions for reflection

• What version of myself am I outgrowing? What role did that version
  play in my life? What were they protecting me from?

• How does my nervous system respond to the changes that are being
  made? Where do I feel resistance?

• What is a survival strategy that once served me but now feels heavy?

• Where have I grown in ways that are not obvious?

• What aspects of my life am I grieving as I grow?

• What does “becoming whole” mean to me?

• How can I trust the messy part of the healing process? What does that look like for me?
  

Final thoughts
Growth is not just empowerment. It also includes loss, disorientation, and letting go of identities that once felt essential. While grief is involved there is also something steady, a self that is chosen not one that is constructed out of fear or necessity. Growth does not mean betraying your past, it simply means building a better present and future. So, I will leave you with this, you are allowed to become, even if it hurts a little in the process.