Resilience

A popular meme format I see a lot is one where someone is congratulating a person on being so resilient, and they respond, “Thanks! It was either this or death.” This meme often has me pondering how much of a choice we truly have in becoming resilient. Is it something that is simply forced upon us as a consequence of difficult circumstances? Another sentiment I often see expressed online is people saying they crave never having to be resilient again, they want a soft and cozy life where resilience is not required, once again proving that resilience is not a choice.

However, there are some who say these hard times make them more fragile. They feel frail and now even things they would have previously perceived as “no big deal” cause them to break.

To increase one’s odds of going down the path of resilience rather than fragility during said hard times, here are a few tips:

1. Accept the adversity. Do not try to delude yourself. This painful thing happened. It is done. Accept it. As my dad was dying of cancer, my mum and I went on a whole journey of acceptance. When he was initially diagnosed with stage four cancer, we were in shock and could not believe what was happening. He started chemotherapy and did very well with much of his cancer shrinking or disappearing completely, which meant we yet again did not have to face the idea of him dying because it seemed to be a distant possibility. Unfortunately, in 2024, my dad’s cancer worsened (the treatments were no longer working). It was at this moment that my family and I had a choice: we could either accept that my dad was dying or delude ourselves into thinking he would survive this. Frankly, I would have chosen to delude myself, but my dad did not let me. He accepted his fate and would remind me daily that he was going to die soon. Every holiday that year, he told us it was his last one. While I resented him at the time for being such a “Debbie Downer”, his reminders might have very well helped me grow the resilience I needed when he eventually did pass.

2. Seek Support. It is a myth that one is only strong if they endure hardship alone. When one feels supported, the burden they are undergoing is lessened. However, do be careful with who you decide to lean on for support. These people should be highly caring and empathetic, and not the type to further pull you into negativity and darkness.

3. Invest in self- care. Whatever it is that lowers your stress levels, be sure to engage in plenty of it. To go through tough times can be both mentally and physically draining; you must rest and relax to compensate for this loss of energy, or else you will burn out completely, which causes bigger problems.

4. Look for meaning and purpose. While I by no means wish to gaslight those who have suffered by trying to spin that suffering into positivity, it is no secret that to only focus on the negatives in one’s life will not increase happiness. To bring my own experiences back into the fold, the loss of my father has informed much of my work as a psychotherapist. I now have a keen interest in providing therapy to those grieving, as I understand the pain they are going through, and I want to help them, particularly those who lost a parent at a young age, like myself. This similarly influenced Luke Alfano, who started the Too Young To Grieve community because he lost his dad at a young age and felt that there was a lack of resources to help younger people dealing with grief.