From Self-Critique to Self-Care: A Journey Towards Self-Compassion
“Through self-compassion, we become an inner ally instead of an inner enemy.” (Neff & Germer, 2017) In an era of social media, we may be quick to compare ourselves to others, which can result in harsh self-criticism. We may begin feeling that we will never be enough, and our self-esteem and self-confidence can be affected. This can create a sense of loneliness or isolation. You may wonder what we can do to combat this without falling into the traps of self-pity. Enter self- compassion! In today’s blog, we will talk about what self-compassion is, why it is important, and how we can foster it in ourselves.
The Essence of Self-Compassion
What is Compassion?
To understand what self-compassion is, we must first understand what compassion is. Compassion is the ability to recognize pain or suffering in others, be emotionally moved by this pain and have a desire to help (Nelson et al., 2017). Most people have the ability to be compassionate towards others, we see a friend or family member having a hard day and we respond empathetically and ask how we can support them. However, when it comes to ourselves and our own suffering, we respond with harshness and say cruel things to ourselves we would never say to someone we love.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is equally, if not more, essential than compassion for others. As the saying goes, “You cannot pour from an empty cup.” So, what is self-compassion, you might be wondering. Well, it is taking those elements of compassion and turning them inwards. Researcher Dr. Kristen Neff describes self-compassion as having three main components: kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness (Neff & Germer, 2017). Kindness is the ability to be moved by our own pain, responding to ourselves by saying, “What I am going through is hard. How can I care for myself in this moment?”. When we respond with kindness, we are able to create positive emotions that can help us cope with our pain. Common humanity is understanding that pain and suffering are part of the human experience. Instead of feeling isolated by our pain, we notice that our suffering is what connects us to each other. This is the idea that “we are all in the same boat.” Mindfulness is the idea that to be compassionate towards ourselves we first need to have the ability to understand and acknowledge out own pain through self-awareness. Society often tells us to ‘not think negative’ or ‘focus on the positive’; however, by doing this, we are resisting our pain and suffering and can become more absorbed by our challenging thoughts and feelings. Mindfulness allows us to recognize that our thoughts and feelings are just that, thoughts and feelings so that we can have self-compassion for our struggles.
The Importance of Self-Compassion
Self-compassion has been found to have profound benefits on our mental health and well- being. Firstly, research shows that self-compassion has been found to alleviate symptoms of a range of clinical disorders, including anxiety, depression, eating disorders, dementia, and personality disorders. The use of self-compassion has been found to reduce psychological distress significantly and has been linked to lower levels of mental health issues. Additionally, regular self-compassion has been found to mitigate symptoms of burnout and compassion fatigue (Neff & Germer, 2022).
Fostering Self-Compassion
Russ Harris (2021) describes self-compassion as boiling down to two elements: acknowledging our pain and responding with kindness. We can acknowledge our pain in various ways by increasing our self-awareness, increasing our mindfulness, or reflecting through journaling. Another way we can acknowledge our pain is through the exercise “Notice and Name” (Harris, 2021). When we say, “I am sad,” we are tangling our emotions with ourselves. Instead, if we say, “I am noticing sadness,” we create a bit of distance between ourselves and our emotions. Next, we want to offer ourselves some kind words. You can play around with what feels most aligned with your voice, but some options are “May I be kind to myself” or “May I be gentle to myself.” In practice, this looks like “I am noticing sadness. May I be kind to myself”. A quick way to foster self-compassion is imagining a loved one experiencing the same challenging situation/thoughts/feelings/emotions as you. Consider what you would say to them in their moment of pain. Now, are you able to turn those compassionate words inward? Another way to create some self-compassion is to write a letter to yourself. There are a few variations on this; you can write a letter to a younger version of yourself that was maybe in a challenging situation. Now, reflecting, you can give that younger version of yourself love and compassion. You can write a letter to your current self, acknowledging the challenging thoughts/feelings you may be experiencing and offering kindness. Finally, you could write to a specific part of yourself that you are having difficulty accepting. In all these letters, our goal is to empathize with our pain, understand we are not alone and respond with kindness towards ourselves. Finally, many self-compassion meditations exist on YouTube, the Calm app, Headspace, Spotify, Apple Music (and the list goes on)! We want to recognize that the goal of these meditations is not relaxation but to increase our mindfulness and hopefully allow us to acknowledge our pain, feel connected to others and offer ourselves compassion. So next time you see someone on social media, instead of turning to self-criticism, offer yourself a little self-compassion!
References
Nelson, J. R., Hall, B. S., Anderson, J. L., Birtles, C., & Hemming, L. (2017). Self–compassion as self-care: A simple and effective tool for counselor educators and counseling students. Journal of Creativity in Mental Health, 13(1), 121–133. https://doi.org/10.1080/15401383.2017.1328292
Harris, R. (2021c). When life hits hard. New Harbinger Publications. Neff, K, & Germer, C. (2017). Self-Compassion and Psychological Well-being. Self-Compassion. https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/Neff.Germer.2017.pdf
Neff, Kristin, & Germer, C. (2022). The role of self compassion in Psychotherapy.‐ World Psychiatry, 21(1), 58–59. https://doi.org/10.1002/wps.20925