I don’t know about you, but Valentine’s Day stressed me out for decades, starting with anxiety over whether my carefully decorated shoebox would be as full of tiny cards as everyone else’s or whether my 101 Dalmatians valentines would go over well with the other kids. As I got older, I felt pressured to follow the dinner date script, even though I found it boring and a waste of money. That’s the whole point of this holiday, right?

Excuse me while I dust off my history PhD for a moment. . .

Valentine’s Day has been around for centuries. Originally a Catholic feast day honouring martyrs (there were a lot of Saint Valentines), the holy day supplanted an earlier Roman celebration of health and purification— Lupercalia. The first recorded evidence of an association between February 14th and love is from a fourteenth-century manuscript by Geoffrey Chaucer. So, while it’s been all about love for a few hundred years, Valentine’s Day didn’t start that way.

Nowadays, the weeks leading up to mid-February are more commonly associated with excessive consumerism and, for many of us, pressure to come up with the perfect way to express our love, lest we be deemed “bad” partners.

What if Valentine’s Day could be reclaimed as a day to celebrate love, connection, and renewal in a way that aligns with your values?

In this post, I’m going to suggest some ways to do just that!

The problems with mainstream Valentine’s Day celebrations

First off, it’s not a terribly inclusive holiday. Although the greeting card and marketing industries are doing better at representing singles, 2SLGBTQIA+ couples, and people in unconventional relationship structures, many people still feel sidelined on February 14th. For those of us who have recently experienced a loss, are feeling the sting of loneliness, or even happily aromantic, the sight of pink-and-red festooned everything can feel inescapable.

People in relationships aren’t exempt from stress and anxiety either. Societal messaging, whether conveyed by social norms or targeted advertising, puts pressure on many people to celebrate Valentine’s Day according to a generic-yet-specific formula: fancy dinner + sparkly gift = success! These messages create pressure to spend money on items or experiences that might not actually spark joy.

Reasons to reclaim Valentine’s Day

As I said, the origins of this holiday have nothing to do with buying stuff or proving our worth. This whole thing started as a way to shrug off the winter blues and prepare for the renewal of spring! So, what are the benefits of starting from scratch?

First, developing traditions that actually make you happy and strengthen intimate bonds between you and your loved one(s) can reduce stress, deepen connections, and increase joy. (Everyone who has been through a Canadian winter knows how much we could all use a little joy mid-Feb.)

Second, think about how satisfying it would be to make your own rules. Tapping into authenticity and autonomy, instead of outsourcing decisions about how to express love, appreciation, and self-care to marketing teams, makes it possible to create traditions rooted in the spirit of the holiday.

Third, by creating your own traditions, you ensure that your celebrations make sense for your relationships, your financial situation, and your mental and emotional capacity.

How to get started

Reflect on what love means to you. Love comes in many forms—self- love, friendships, romantic love, familial love, community care, and many other kinds. How do you want to show your love this year? Consider journalling or meditating on these themes to identify the values that will anchor your celebration.

Simplify and emphasize connections. Start with your values and go from there. Instead of scrambling for a reservation at a five-star restaurant, spend some quality time with your significant other(s) or friends and experiment with new recipes at home. Skip the greeting card store, get in touch with your inner Austen, and pen a love note. Or maybe connect with something greater than yourself by exploring nature for signs of spring.

Centre rest and renewal. Take the pressure off by clearly communicating your intentions to anyone who might be expecting traditional Valentine’s Day gestures from you. Think about what helps you feel refreshed and in touch with your values. Self-care rituals (e.g., a home spa night or cozy reading day) are excellent traditions, as are annual get- togethers that celebrate community (e.g., game nights and potlucks).

Still struggling to envision a different way of doing things?

I’ve put together some examples to help you get started:

Adventure time! Dedicate the day to discovery! Try a new hobby, visit a museum, or check out a new hiking trail. The great thing about this one is that you can do it flying solo or with a fellow explorer!
Get deep. For the romantics, exchanging annual love letters and revisiting letters exchanged in previous years can be a wonderful way to reflect on how your relationship has grown. Crafty folks might enjoy making a collage of the past year or designing a relationship vision board for the year ahead.
Be yourself. Did you fall in love over your shared love of Star Wars? Are you happily single with a TBR pile that’s getting dangerously tall? Setting aside time for a movie marathon, catching up on a book you’ve been meaning to read, or any other activity that makes you feel connected to your values or to other people in your life are all valid options.

Final thoughts

When it comes to celebrations, there is no one right way to do anything. You and the people you choose to involve are the ones who get to decide what love, connection, renewal, and self-care look like. By taking a values- first approach and reflecting on what makes us happy, we can reclaim Valentine’s Day and write our own love stories.

(And if dressing up for a night out at a swanky restaurant and buying expensive gifts is totally your jam, go for it! As long as you’re doing it because you want to and not because society says you should.)

What new tradition will you create this Valentine’s Day?

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