In the past few months, we’ve explored how tuning into your body can deepen emotional awareness, what it means to understand your window of tolerance, and how self-compassion supports nervous system health. Now I want to bring in another powerful piece of the regulation puzzle…connection! We often think of emotional regulation as something we have to do on our own: “I need to calm myself down,” or “I should handle this better.” But the truth is, we aren’t built to self-regulate all the time. From the moment we’re born, we rely on others to help soothe and steady us. That doesn’t disappear in adulthood. It simply takes on new forms. This process of calming through connection is called co-regulation, and it’s a deeply somatic and nervous system-based experience!

Co-regulation is the way our nervous systems influence and respond to each other. It’s not about saying the “right” thing or fixing a problem. It’s about the nonverbal signals we give and receive that communicate safety whether that’s a soft tone of voice, a steady presence, gentle eye contact, or even a deep breath taken together. You’ve probably experienced this without putting a name to it. Think of how it feels when:

A friend hugs you tightly and you notice your shoulders relax.
Your dog curls up next to you after a hard day and you feel your breath slow down.
A loved one speaks to you in a calm, steady tone while you’re upset, and you feel yourself settle.

These are moments of co-regulation. Without words, your body receives the message: “I’m not alone. I’m safe enough to soften.”

To understand why co-regulation works, it helps to revisit how the nervous system functions. Our automatic nervous system constantly scans for safety and dangers, such as raised voices, tension in the body, harsh facial expressions, so our nervous system may shift into fight, flight, or freeze. But when we receive cues of safety, such as a gentle tone, open body language, attuned presence, our nervous system can return to a more regulated state. This happens not just in the brain but throughout the body. Heart rate slows, muscles loosen, and digestion turns back on. In short, your body says: “It’s okay to rest now.” This is why co- regulation is fundamentally somatic. We don’t just think we’re safe, we feel it in our bodies.

When we’re overwhelmed, it can be very difficult to self-regulate. If you’ve ever been told to “just calm down” while you were upset, you know how ineffective that advice can be. That’s because in high-stress states, the thinking part of the brain (the prefrontal cortex) is less accessible. We can’t simply reason ourselves into calm. But our nervous system is designed to borrow regulation from others. In fact, this is how infants survive: they rely completely on caregivers to regulate their stress through touch, tone, and presence. Adults have more tools for self-regulation, but the need for co-regulations never disappears. It’s not a weakness to need others…it’s biology!

You might already be engaging in co-regulation without realizing it. Some common examples include:

A parent humming softly to soothe a crying child.
A partner rubbing your back when you’re upset.
Sitting quietly with a friend who doesn’t try to fix things but simply listens.
Walking your dog and noticing you breath match their calm, steady pace.
Even group activities like singing, praying, or dancing. These shared rhythms regulate nervous systems collectively.

Notice how none of these require problem-solving. Co-regulation isn’t about logic, it’s about presence.

Sometimes people hear about co-regulation and worry that it means they’ll always have to rely on others. But co-regulation and self-regulation aren’t opposites, they’re partners! Think of it like this:

Self-regulation is the ability to bring yourself back to calm using tools like grounding, breath, or self-compassion,
Co-regulation is allowing another person’s calm presence to help you get there when it feels too difficult on your own.

Ideally, we weave both together. Self-regulation helps us build resilience, while co-regulation reminds us that we don’t have to do it all alone. If you want to explore co-regulation in your daily life, here are some gentle practices:

Seek steady presence. Notice who in your life feels calming to be around. Simply spending time with those people can help regulate your nervous system.
Offer calming cues. When someone else is distressed, speak softly, keep you body relaxed, and avoid rushing to fix it. Just being present can be deeply soothing.
Practice shared breathing. If a loved one is anxious, invite them to take a few slow breaths with you. Nervous systems can synchronize to external rhythms such as heart rate and breathing.
Use pets as co-regulators. Animals are powerful sources of nervous system safety. Stroking a cat, walking a dog, or even watching fish swim can bring grounding through connection.
Check your own state. Co-regulation works best when at least one person is regulated. If you’re activated, grounding yourself first will make it easier to offer steadiness to others.

For people who have experienced trauma, neglect, or inconsistent caregiving, co-regulation can feel unfamiliar or even unsafe. If connection was unreliable in the past, leaning into it now may bring up discomfort. That’s normal! This is where therapy can be especially healing. The therapeutic relationship itself offers opportunities for safe, consistent co- regulation. Over time, experiencing this steady presence can re-train the nervous system to trust connection again.

Co-regulation is a reminder of something simple but profound: healing doesn’t happen in isolation. While self-awareness, grounding, and self-compassion are vital tools, we are also wired for connection. Sometimes the most powerful medicine for the nervous system is not a strategy or technique but another person’s calm presence. So, as you move through this holiday season, a time that can be both joyful and stressful, consider where you might lean on co-regulation. Sometimes healing is as simple as finding calm together.

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