Grief is a universal emotion that most of us will face at some point in our lives. Many people think of grief as the emotions that arise from the loss of a loved one or pet. But there are many types of grief that can be experienced in various situations other than death.

Understanding the Spectrum of Grief

Beyond the loss of a loved one, people can experience a variety of types and intensities of grief in their lives, such as grief in relationships, loss of identity, or grief in life transitions. What’s most important to remember is that your grief is unique to you. It is an individualised experience and there is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve or experience these intense feelings. People can go through a spectrum of emotions, from anger, to shame, to sadness, and feelings of avoidance.

Grief in Relationships

There are many types of loss that people experience as relationships evolve over the course of our lives. Relationship grief can result from a variety of different circumstances: the end of a romantic relationship, divorce, friendship breakups, or estrangement from family members.

Loss of Identity

Loss of identity as a result of life changes can be challenging to process, as some people may see others going through a life transition that may seem to not affect them as much as it affects you. Retirement, for instance, can be seen as a blessing for some people, whereas for others, it can feel especially challenging. Many people feel that their identities or worth is tied to their careers or jobs, and in ending that part of their lives, they wonder who they are without their career. This can be coupled with having much more time in their schedules: upon retiring, people may find themselves asking, “ok, but what now?” These feelings may become more intense if they don’t know others in a similar stage of life.

Coupled or related to this type of grief is another type, which is the loss of a dream or unfulfilled aspirations. Whether this is a career you are no longer able to pursue for whatever reason, a change in how you thought your life would turn out, or a change in circumstances that are out of your control, this can result in complex feelings of loss, sadness, or powerlessness as these intense emotions arise. Illness, injury, or aging can come with feelings of grief. Changing physical appearance or capabilities may result in a feeling of a loss of who you once were, and again, you may find yourself wondering how to proceed or adjust to this next phase of life.

Grief in Life Transitions or Transformation

Leaving behind a familiar environment can also result in feelings of loss or grief. Moving to a new city or country can result in a loss of social support, a difficult adjustment to a new culture, or a feeling of loss of community. Despite the advancements of technology where loved ones are “just a call away,” this does not discount that there may be a palpable change in the closeness and familiarity you were used to. Adjusting to new family dynamics can also come with some challenging feelings. Having children, loved ones, or roommates move out can cause a daily change in people’s lives. This loss of company or familiarity in your home space can be difficult, as many people find their homes are their safe places.

Significant life changes come in various forms. Starting college or university, changing work roles or school programs, getting married, or having children also can come with feelings of loss. These changes come with changes in how you live your life, schedule changes, and sometimes a loss of feelings of autonomy. You may find that adjustments at the beginning are extra tough, as changes in life are common, but others may not see or understand what’s going on below the surface. And it’s important to remember that just because something may be a positive change in your life, it does not mean that feelings of grief won’t also come with it.

Helpful Reminders if you are Feeling Grief

It is important to remember that all types of grief are valid and unique to your experience. In this process, it can be helpful to name the emotion you’re feeling, as many people may not know or understand what you’re going through.

Be Mindful of “Shoulds”

There is no right or wrong way to experience these feelings. Do your best to be aware of how many times you think or say the word “should” out loud. Is there a way you should be feeling, but you’re not? Putting “shoulds” onto yourself can result in feeling worse or guilty with what you’re feeling, which can prolong or compound the difficult emotions you’re dealing with.

What you Resist, Persists

Along with naming emotions and building awareness of the “shoulds,” remember that your grief is trying to tell you something, and those feelings want to be felt. Feelings of loss ultimately can mean that what you are experiencing was important to you. It’s important to explore these feelings in a way that feels gradual and safe. Be mindful of if things are feeling too intense, and what you can do to safely hold space for yourself.

Be Kind to Yourself

Related to the “shoulds,” it is important to take action and show up for yourself the way you would show up to someone else you love. How can you extend kindness to yourself in these difficult times? Are there restful or restorative activities you can engage in that can help you feel soothed as you continue on? Asking yourself, “what do I need from myself right now?” can be a helpful place to start.

Where there is Deep Grief, There is Deep Love

Acknowledging that the grief you’re feeling is a result of deep love or longing for a time that has gone by. Taking time to validate these feelings and knowing that you’re not alone in this experience may provide a sense of solace. Take time to think about the positive things that have come from this deep love. How did this experience or phase that has passed help contribute to the person you are now? Every experience or phase of life that we go through has enriched our lives in some way, and has added to the facets of who you are now. Eventually, you may feel emotions of gratitude as you process grief.

Grief Comes With Ups and Downs

Grief is not a linear process. Some days (or even hours) will feel easier than others. It is important to know that there is no right or wrong amount of time that it takes to process what’s going on for you right now. Understanding that this phase will come with ups and downs can help weather the storm of your emotions. What’s Next? If you are feeling like you would like to have some assistance in exploring or understanding your feelings, there are supports available to you. This is a difficult time, and getting help can empower you to build resilience as you go through this.

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