Have you ever found yourself frustrated, annoyed, upset, or disappointed in relationships (with other people or yourself) because a pattern keeps repeating, and ultimately, you ask yourself, “Why am I in this spot again?”, “What am I doing wrong?”, or “Why aren’t they listening to me?”

While there are many factors and layers that speak to the complexities of a relationship, a key element to strong relationships is knowing your and another’s boundaries, and learning how to express them in a way that works for all parties involved. In a previous blog post, I wrote about where to begin with identifying boundaries. If you haven’t already, I invite you to check it out! Once you are aware of your boundaries, you can work on setting effective boundaries, which is what this blog post is about.

Communicate the Full Picture and Be Specific

Oftentimes we say or do something thinking it expresses our boundaries. Maybe it comes out as, “You can’t keep doing this” in a tone that conveys frustration and disappointment or letting out an audible sigh when you’ve been waiting for your friend and they’re not ready to leave. Clearly expressing your thoughts, emotions, and how the boundary connects to what’s important to you can be incredibly helpful for you or another person in understanding why the boundary exists and should be upheld. Notice the difference in the following statements:

1. Ugh, you can’t keep doing this!

2. *sigh* Can we leave yet?

3. Can you just be on time for once?

4. Being on time is really important to me and it makes me anxious when I’m late.

Focus on Self vs. Focus on Others

Boundaries are more than simple requests. Boundaries are also not about control nor is it an ultimatum* – it’s not about what others can or can’t do, or else. They are guidelines that let you and others know how you think, feel, and show up in certain situations. It’s important to express them in a way that is true to yourself while also communicating the message. Depending on the type of boundary, where, and who you want to set it with, there will likely be adjustments to be made on what to say and how to say it.

Expanding on the example above, say the following out loud and see if you can notice how you or someone else may react differently to each of them:

1. Can you be on time?

2. You constantly make me late.

3. I want to be on time and I don’t like that you’re making me late.

4. Being on time is important to me and you’re making me anxious by being late.

5. Being punctual is important to me. I get anxious when I’m not on time and will not be making future plans with someone who is consistently late.

6. Being punctual is important to me. I will not be making future plans with someone who is consistently late.

7. If you won’t be on time, then I won’t take you.

What stood out to you? Were there specific words that made a difference? What was it like to verbalize each statement? Which one felt uncomfortable? How do statements 5 and 6 differ for you? These could be valuable insights into how you currently or hope to show up in relationships. The difference you experience between 5 and 6 may reveal whether expressing an emotion in a boundary supports the relationship you’d like to build with yourself or others.

Plan Ahead

There’s a saying that the people who don’t like our boundaries are generally the ones who benefitted from us not having any. That’s why setting and enforcing boundaries, especially new ones, can be so tough. It takes time, practice, and patience, so don’t give up! There is an adjustment period that varies from person to person and between different people. During this period, it is not uncommon for folks to react in the same way, repeat patterns, and for intense emotions to arise. Planning ahead when you’re not in the midst of the situation provides you with an opportunity to reflect with clarity on what you can do in those moments. Will you walk away? Sit down? Take a breath? Will you let the other person, or yourself, know that you need a moment to think and resume the conversation later?

Although what to say and how to say it plays a role, perhaps the intention and frame of mind is more essential. Are you trying to change the other person’s behaviours? Trying to get them to see your point of view? Or are you stating your needs and expressing your authentic self in a way that others can understand and meet you where you’re at?

These questions can be big and daunting. Reflecting on them and working with a mental health professional can help clarify the various areas of your life where boundaries could be helpful, evaluate current boundaries, and set or reinforce them with other people (or yourself)!

*Hailey Magee wrote an incredibly useful post on the differences between requests, boundaries, and ultimatums. Check it out here!

Connect Here

Learn more about anxiety therapy