Mom Guilt and Self-Care
Written By: Kelly-Ann Barrett (Registered Psychotherapist- Qualifying)
Entering the journey to motherhood comes with many different emotions. Some emotions that may have been present before motherhood now more intensified. This guilt can come in many different forms. Guilt for taking a self-care day. Guilt for feeding your toddler mac and cheese today instead of a dish with foods from every food group. There will be some days you’re not on 100 and that’s ok. Our children need a mother that’s rested, happy and healthy. How will we be able to parent our children if we’re burnt out, stressed, depressed? Learning how to minimize that mom guilt will allow us to see the impact of a happy mother has on our children. Having a sense of guilt and shame due to feeling the pressure of not being able to live up to societal/personal expectations can influence the onset of depression. Depression has been shown to have a strong correlation to continuous self-blame in comparison to other negative experiences. We all make mistakes and the transition into motherhood is already a new adjustment. It doesn’t help when we have individuals around us constantly making us feel guilty for not living up to these standards. This is where setting boundaries is key to managing feelings of guilt during motherhood. Setting firm boundaries is one effective way that we can take care of our mental health transitions. Setting boundaries may look like limiting visitors when feeling overwhelmed. There may be days that you just want to stay home and connect with baby, work on self-care tasks or even exploring different routines that allow you to manage the duties of motherhood more effectively. The relationship that you build with your child is solely based on how you are able to manage your mental health effectively. The feelings of guilt and depression often result in less enjoyable experiences within the parent-child connection and an increase in feelings of stress. However, mothers who have a support system and/or utilize therapy to manage these feelings have shown to have more feelings of enjoyment and a stronger more positive connection with their children. How do we implement self-care so to help us alleviate these feelings? Taking care of the well-being of our families also requires you to take care of you. I’m sure that for some that this is easier said than done, especially during the early years of motherhood. One self-care tip that is simple and budget-friendly is going for walks. Getting fresh air everyday is essential in alleviating feelings of anxiety and depression. Incorporating these walks on a daily basis allow us to take a break from the demanding tasks of managing a household and managing children while trying to also take care of ourselves. The second tip in managing these symptoms is being ok with asking for help. How many of us have heard the term “it takes a village”. Being a mother is not a one-person job. It’s not supposed to be easily managed by only one person. Using our support systems such as our partners, family members, friends can help alleviate those overwhelming feelings. Having your sister visit and watch your little while you take a shower, wash your hair, run an errand or just simply sleep can give us a break in slowing down in our everyday routines. These breaks and pauses are essential in being able to take care of your mental well-being. Another helpful tip which might be the most helpful would be implementing a routine. Implementing routines are one of the most effective ways in managing depression. When experiencing symptoms of depression, guilt and anxiety, this can make it difficult for us to get moving and have something to look forward to. This is where you might feel like staying in bed, not engaging in hygiene routines and feelings of isolation. When one is able to implement a routine, it encourages us to follow a schedule as it encourages to also follow healthy habits that can increase our energy and decrease feelings of hopelessness. Within those routines, is where we can implement things such as walks, time for self-care, mealtimes and hygiene routines. Having visual reminders can keep us on track with these healthy habits and keep us from feeling overwhelmed. These routines allow us to see what’s already planned and decreases the overwhelming feeling of having to figure out plans the last minute while also managing the emotional challenges within motherhood. There may be some days that we find a hard time following everything on our schedule and that’s ok. However, planning and being able to do some of the routines is still effective. Getting something done off that list is better than getting it done perfect.
References:
Derella, O. J., & Milan, S. (2021). I felt like a terrible mom: Parenting-related cognitive processes maintaining maternal depression.
Journal of Child and Family Studies, 30(10), 2427–2439. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-021-02053-8
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