Humans crave connection, authenticity, and love. However, when it comes to revealing who we truly are, our most authentic selves, which encompass our fears, flaws, and emotions, we often hesitate. Being vulnerable with others allows deep and meaningful connections to form, yet it can often feel like standing naked in a cold room with a spotlight shining on you.

What is vulnerability exactly? It involves exposing parts of ourselves that we fear may be judged, rejected, or misunderstood. It is the experience of sharing your inner world without knowing how it will be received or the guarantee that it will be accepted or understood. It is taking the risk to say “I love you” first, to admit “I don’t know” in a room full of experts, to admit when you are wrong, or to say “I need help” when you are struggling. Knocking down the walls and letting others see our truest forms invites the risk of emotional hurt, but it is also one of the most courageous things that an individual can do.

So, why does the idea of vulnerability evoke such discomfort? When you expose the inner parts of yourself, you are no longer in control; you can’t predict how others will react. That risk, the fear of rejection, judgement, or being misunderstood, is the root cause.

The Fear of Rejection

Rejection is a very powerful and painful human experience, and it can threaten our sense of belonging in the world. Being vulnerable means risking that sense of belonging, which can be overwhelming and scary to think about.

When we let someone see us fully, whether that be a friend or a partner, we give them the opportunity to walk away. I know there have been moments when I have been vulnerable, and I feared the idea that once someone knew my true self, they would decide they didn’t want me anymore. That fear can stem from past wounds, such as childhood experiences, breakups, or betrayals. These moments have taught us that it is safer to hide rather than to be out in the open. We tell ourselves, “If I don’t let anyone in, I can’t get hurt.” But the reality is that, while this may protect us in the short term, it ultimately causes more harm over time because it fosters a form of isolation. While we protect ourselves from pain, we also block out the chances for connection, intimacy, and authentic love.

The Fear of Judgment

All humans carry an internal script about what is “acceptable,” “strong,” or “worthy.” Yet, these scripts are often curated to reflect societal expectations that have been inflicted on us rather than personal truths. By showing our true selves, we invite others to see that we are not perfect, that we are flawed, and that we make mistakes. We worry whether people will think we are too emotional. Too needy? Too intense? Too sensitive? We are taught to be strong, not to show our struggles, to put on our best face, and to be confident, but what about when we can’t hold it in anymore? This image of our imperfect self can clash with the expectations that we hold and allows for criticism. Criticism is often better handled when others criticize a mask that we use as a shield, but when that criticism is about our true, authentic selves, it stings a little deeper.

Letting go of the fear of judgement is rooted in self-acceptance, regardless of our flaws, and understanding that our uniqueness is what gives us strength. Vulnerability is raw and unfiltered, but in a world full of people portraying themselves to be perfect, the messiness of vulnerability can be freeing.

The Fear of Losing Control

Being vulnerable means letting go, letting go of the image we want to project, which in turn lets go of the outcome that we are trying to control. By putting on a performance or hiding behind a mask, we control what we show others, and we can act in a way that allows us to dictate their responses. Being vulnerable means sharing something personal, which gives others the power to respond however they choose. This loss of control can make us feel exposed and unsafe, especially for people who have been hurt or betrayed in the past.

To be vulnerable with someone means to trust them, and trust and control are often on opposite ends of the spectrum. But, the more we trust others, the process, or ourselves, the more space we can create for vulnerability.

Small Ways to Begin Practicing Vulnerability:

Share a fear with someone you trust
Speak up when something hurts
Ask for help, even if it feels awkward
Talking about mistakes you have made
Be honest about what you feel, even if it is messy

Choosing to be vulnerable is an act of bravery. It is putting down your armour and saying, “This is who I really am.” It is showing up for yourself without putting on a performance but rather being your full self. Opening that door can hurt, but it can also open the door to healing, intimacy, and connections.

References

Downey, G., & Feldman, S. I. (1996). Implications of rejection sensitivity for intimate relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70(6), 1327–1343. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.70.6.1327

Fritscher, L. (2023, November 20). How to be vulnerable. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/fear-of-vulnerability-2671820

Sutton, J. (2021, January 8). How to Be Vulnerable in Life and Therapy. Positive Psychology. https://positivepsychology.com/how-to-be-vulnerable/#hero-single

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