I feel like self-forgiveness is a topic that comes up fairly frequently in counselling sessions. I know it is a topic I catch myself thinking about quite frequently. When we talk about self-forgiveness we are usually focused on the present moment but in reality, most of the things that we struggle to forgive ourselves for started long before we got to know our present selves. Many of these struggles or feelings of shame and guilt started with who we once were.

That child or younger version of yourself is still living within you, underneath who you are currently. For many of us this younger version learned to apologize too quickly, take blame, or shrink themselves in order to avoid the fear of failure or disappointing others. Unfortunately through this they developed patterns that lingered into adult life. Patterns that may no longer serve the version of who we are in the present moment but they were just doing what they could to survive feelings and emotions that were too big in that moment in time.

Taking all this into account, it is important to remember that we are not only dealing with present circumstances when it comes to self-forgiveness, we are also dealing with our past too. That little version of us who never had a safe space to feel imperfect or grow from disappointment.

When looking at it in that sense, this self-forgiveness that a lot of us seek is really an act of going back for that little version of ourselves that needed someone to be there for them and tell them it was okay.

Practices for Self-Forgiveness

Self-forgiveness and healing take time. Unfortunately, there are no quick fixes or one and done remedies. There will be ups and downs along the journey but with time and patience with yourself you will eventually notice change.

Take into account your emotions

Take time to recognize, label, and accept the emotions that come forward in a non-judgmental way. For many, healing comes with anger and sadness, it is important to acknowledge the anger and sadness towards what happened in the past and accept that something that you did not deserve happened. It is okay to sit with those feelings so long as we do not allow them to consume us.

Accept responsibility

Take accountability for past mistakes but do it in a way where you are not using those mistakes to condemn yourself. What we did in the past happened and there is no way to go back and change things, as much as we would like to. Taking responsibility for the actions and the consequences that came with them, learning from mistakes, and finding a healthy way to move forward from it is something we can do to help heal.

Stop punishing yourself

Release the burden by letting go of emotions or feelings of guilt, shame, and self-punishment. In order to move forward from the past events without dwelling on things.

Work on trusting yourself

This one can be tough when you have spent time blaming or punishing yourself for past mistakes. Building a sense of inner trust is crucial to really understanding that mistakes are common and they are something that everyone makes from time to time and in varying degrees. Accepting that by letting go of past judgments allows us to gain that better understanding.

Practices for Healing Your Inner Child

Reconnect with that inner part of yourself

One way that I have found helpful in connecting with my inner child is through visualization. It allows us to imagine them and be able to give them the love and attention that they need.

Another way for connection is through letter writing. Writing letters to your younger self and acknowledging, accepting, and validating their feelings gives you a way to express the things they needed to hear back then. Things like, “making mistakes is okay,” or “I hear you, and I love you.”

Reparent yourself and validate your feelings

Take the parental role for your inner child into your own hands. Providing the love, care, and support that you may have lacked when you were younger. Ways that this can be done are through positive self-talk or having a comfort routine which can include things like journaling, visualization, grounding or breathing techniques, or play.

Work on expressing your emotions

Like with self-forgiveness it is important for you to give yourself permission to feel all of the feelings and emotions that are brought forth, like anger, sadness, and fear in a non-judgmental way.

Techniques to Work on Both

Above we talked about journaling, letter writing, and visualization as great techniques to reconnect with your inner child. Allowing you to acknowledge and validate their feelings and emotions, or any past mistakes that may make it difficult for you to move forward in the present. Below are two other ways that we can connect and heal our inner child while also working on that self-forgiveness piece.

Being creative

Growing up I was always a creative kid and I loved to play, whether it was out in the mud with friends or in the kitchen with my mom trying new recipes. Finding ways to reconnect with your younger self and be able to play is so important. I find it helps rediscover the joy in life. Things like dancing, drawing, painting or playing music can all be ways in which we can rediscovers those hidden parts of ourselves. Luckily, there is no one way to play, and we all have unique ways in which we can find joy, so have fun with exploring play and find what works best for you.

Affirmations

Positive affirmations seem little a small thing that we can do but those small things build up over time and have huge impacts down the road. Saying things like “I am learning and growing from my past mistakes,” and “I am worthy of love and forgiveness,” can make a difference in the way you connect with yourself and others.

Closing Comments

Self-forgiveness and healing that younger part of ourselves is important to help us move forward in the present in a positive way. It is something that takes time and we have to be patient with ourselves through. this healing process. A therapist can be a great way to learn different coping strategies, as well as provide a safe space to work through any past trauma.

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