The Duality of Change: Managing Grief
The only constant in life is change. Therefore, to be human is to experience grief, even in the face of positive change. Change refers to becoming or experiencing something new or different. Whether the change is related to a personal or professional growth opportunity, the end of a travel experience, graduation, the birth of a child, adopting a pet, moving to a new home, a job change, marriage, or retirement, grief is imminent. Even though life changes can be positive and exciting, they can also give rise to difficult emotions and feelings of loss.
Even when a change is positive, it takes time to adjust. Our brains like routine and stability, and change (even positive change!) can disrupt this process. For example, retirement has been shown to generate stressful feelings. From the familiar commute, daily interactions with colleagues, and a regular schedule, the potential for sadness and depression is high. As a society, we tend to focus on the positive changes involved, underestimating the distress and confusion that may ensue.
Studies show that when grief is evident, even following a positive experience mentioned above, it does not occur in a vacuum. There are typically co-occurring behaviours that ensue when grief is not effectively managed. When an individual is unaware that they are experiencing grief, they may begin to change their behaviour in unhealthy ways like drinking, excessive internet use, consuming substances, and overeating. These actions are an attempt to cope with unfamiliar feelings of unacknowledged grief.
It is critical to recognize and address grief, in all forms. While grief is very much a part of being human, we are typically ill-equipped to process grief when it occurs. Most often, grief processing is linked to negative life events such as the loss of a loved one or loss of good health. When grief has a positive correlation, it is often not acknowledged or supported. The key to well-being is to recognize and acknowledge ALL forms of grief, not just those related to death or tragedy, but those related to positive, but stressful, life experiences. Recognizing, supporting, and discussing your experiences, positive and negative, with others, can lead to more effective emotional coping as you navigate life’s many transitions.
According to experts, there is no right way to grieve. Grief is an individual process, and honouring your unique way of expressing emotions is encouraged. For example, some individuals love to talk about their feelings related to grief, while others would prefer to utilize a physical or creative outlet like walking, swimming, writing, or painting. It is important to honour what feels right to you and strive to grieve positively, not perfectly.
If you are experiencing grief from a recent life change, here are some tips to help you cope with the complexity of grief:
1. Embrace Grief: give yourself permission and compassion to feel and accept your emotions just as they are, without judgment.
2. Reflect and Process: journaling is a great way to express your thoughts, feelings, and emotions without judgment. Talking with a trusted family member or friend can also be a great coping strategy.
3. Let Go of the Past: A great way to honour the pain of what has been lost, and to prepare for change, is to create a journal/scrapbook/memento box to honour the memory.
4. Set New Goals: Shift your focus on the positive elements of the new reality. Setting new goals or aspirations can bring positive energy and a sense of emotional grounding.
5. Cultivate Gratitude: Acknowledge how far you have come and highlight the areas of your life that you are most grateful for. It can be as simple as being grateful for waking up in the morning.
Grieving during a positive life change is a completely normal and natural part of being human. While grieving can be difficult, it doesn’t have to be permanent or distressing when acknowledged and managed in a healthy way. Also, it is important to remember that it is okay to feel mixed or heavy emotions when moving through change, even positive ones
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