When was the last time you came out to someone? Do you often find yourself needing to signal or explain your queerness? Are there moments when you don’t come out?

During my teen years, being in the closet sucked. I noticed feelings of anxiety, self-doubt and alienation that would grow the longer I concealed my identity. The process of coming out was not easy either. I constantly considered the best way to come out and the worst-case scenario of how my loved ones were going to react. After coming out to my friends and family I thought it was the end- it wasn’t.

The reality is that there is often an expectation of heteronormativity, which requires me to explicitly disclose my queerness. I began to feel pressure to be more “noticeably queer”, to cope with this. I hoped that if I looked “gay enough” people would assume my queerness which would help to avoid my continuous coming out. So, I got more tattoos, cut my hair shorter and began dressing more masculine. I felt pressure to look a certain way to be feel more valid in my queerness. Also, even though it happened less often, people would still assume my straightness.

Coming out is a continuous process, and it is exhausting. For queer folks, meeting a new neighbor, friend or coworker may result in the need to disclose their identity. Coming out comes with the possibility of being met with rejection, discrimination and violence. Comparatively, coming out can be liberating, relieving and boost one’s self-esteem. It is emotionally draining to need to assess the level of risk and benefit involved in coming out, make that decision and then cope with the outcome. This can make the process of coming out trigger feelings of anxiety, fear, shame and alienation. Cisheterosexual people don’t have to come out, which is reflective of a structural inequality that contributes to minority stress.

How do I cope with this exhaustion?

1. Realize your freedom of choice

It is important to know that choosing when to come out is not shame, but self-care. Choosing to not come out to your family until you move out is not shameful. Choosing to not come out to a homophobic coworker is not shameful. Choosing to not come out because you are still figuring out which label best fits you is not shameful. Choosing not to come out because you don’t have the emotional energy to is not shameful. Choosing to not come out when your safety and well-being are at risk is a form of self-care.

2. Seek out and establish community

Finding your queer chosen family provides a great source of social support. Anchoring yourself within a queer community makes you less likely to be met with assumptions of cisheteronormativity, decreasing emotional fatigue. Connecting with other queer folks who understand the invisible and repetitive labour that is associated with coming out can be validating, affirming and healing.

3. Communication scripts

Preparing for interactions in which you may have to come out can help relieve some of the anxiety involved. Preparedness can foster a sense of comfort and confidence. Developing and practicing a few brief phrases for coming out to strangers or acquaintances can reduce the amount of emotional energy required in the interaction.

4. Seek queer-affirming therapy

Talk to a therapist that validates, affirms and empathizes with your experiences. Therapy can hold space for the positive and more difficult emotions associated with coming out.

5. Reclaim your identity for yourself

The pressure to come out repeatedly can make you feel disconnected from yourself. Being preoccupied with coming out can make your queerness feel like a performance. It is important to prioritize authentically connecting with your identity in a way that is just for you! You could journal, consume queer media, make art, plan a date with your partner- whatever affirms who you are!

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