While immigration is often understood as the search for better opportunities, safety, or a fresh start, the deeper, quieter story is often overlooked. This story is one of the emotional and psychological battles that immigrants, especially children of immigrants, face every day.

To immigrate is to rebuild everything from scratch; it means leaving behind familiar languages, customs, foods, and people. It means arriving at a place where you may look, sound, or behave differently, things which you are reminded of every day. While much attention is given to external struggles such as housing, jobs, and legal status, the internal experience is often overlooked. However, it is there, always. A tug-of-war between who you are, who you are becoming, and who the world expects you to be.

For many immigrants, moving to a new country is not just about the physical relocation but rather a psychological dislocation. While there is excitement for new possibilities and opportunities, there is also grief for what was left behind. We leave behind family and friends, a community, cultural identity, a sense of belonging, and emotional safety. Many immigrants are often left feeling isolated, not just due to a lack of community, but because they feel they do not “belong.” There is often shame when language barriers or cultural differences make them feel “less than,” guilt for leaving behind loved ones, and exhaustion from constantly adapting or performing to “fit in”.

What about the experiences of second-generation immigrants?

The children of immigrants are considered second-generation immigrants, and their experiences are distinct from those of their parents. The journey of the parents often involves that of survival and adaptation, while their children’s journey is often about identity, loyalty, and belonging. This is a journey I know all too well. Being the eldest child of three to parents who immigrated to Canada when I was two years old, I am all too familiar with the story of being a child of immigrants. We grow up with one foot in our parents’ worlds and the other in the society that we live in; we endure the hardships of our parents; we must overcome the emotional scars that are often left behind.

As second-generation immigrants, we've seen our parents' struggles. We have watched them maintain multiple jobs or work in hostile environments just so they can provide and keep a roof over our heads. They try to portray that they are fine, that they are not struggling, but we can see it. We see the toll it takes on their bodies, we see the pain behind their eyes, the exhaustion, the light and ambition slowly leaving them over time. We see the sacrifices they make for us, buying themselves low cost things so that they can buy us the things that are in style so we can fit in, we see them stretch out meals so they can provide food for the week, we see how they do not treat themselves to nice things because they are always fighting to save money. No matter the age we are when we observe these things, they stick with us; we feel responsible for our parents' sacrifices, causing a constant internal reminder of what they gave up to provide a better life for their children. This responsibility can turn into guilt, which manifests as pressure to do better, be better... to be the best. To show our parents that they made the right decision, because we owe it to them to make them proud. Their suffering is something that becomes a weight on our shoulders, and we feel that we must alleviate it. So, we study harder, we do more housework, we become their emotional support, their mediators, but nothing we do can ever eliminate their struggles, which reinforces our thoughts that nothing we do will be good enough. Thus, feeding the thought, "I am not good enough."

The guilt we feel as a result of the pressure and the responsibilities we put on ourselves can have long lasting effects on our mental health, causing the need for perfectionism or overachievement, and while we cannot change our past experiences, what we can change is the perception we hold over our shame and guilt. Our experiences do not have to define us.

How can we overcome these hardships?

1. Grieve for the family you never had

You can appreciate everything your parents have done for you, and at the same time, acknowledge what you did not have.
Allowing yourself to feel anger without judgement.
Working through your feelings doesn’t have to mean confronting your parents directly; you can work through them by talking to a therapist, a friend, journaling...

2. Letting go of the need to control

We may want to help our parents, teach them, and guide them, and while these are good intentions, our parents are often set in their ways, and we should instead focus on what we can control. Ourselves.
While it is hard to remind ourselves, we are not responsible for our parents' happiness.

3. Increase our self-differentiation

Self-differentiation is the ability to maintain a sense of self, identity, thoughts, and emotions and to act independently without being influenced by others.
One way to do this is by working with a therapist to explore multigenerational patterns and learn to prevent them by utilizing family systems theory.

If you wish to explore more about this topic and the coping mechanisms listed, and work through any experienced trauma or related emotions, don’t hesitate to reach out and book a session with me through the link below

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