Grief is different for everyone. When many folks typically think of grief, they think of the array of emotions that follow a loss—sadness, anger, indifference, guilt, denial, yearning, overwhelm or anxiety. What about when these feelings come before a loss? For some people the loss of a loved one comes suddenly, and for others it is anticipated.

When my father passed, I was flooded with an array of emotions. However, my grieving did not begin the day he passed, but 1 month prior when he was diagnosed with a degenerative condition. At that point in time, recovering would not mean going back to the exact lifestyle that he had before. He would now rely on a wheelchair, have limited speech abilities, lose the ability to eat independently and require full-time care in an assisted living facility. I grieved who he once was. I grieved the breakfast dates we always went on. I grieved the in-depth conversations we had. I grieved his apartment, one that held various childhood memories. I grieved the long car rides that we shared together. Even if he was still living, I would experience the loss of the person he once was.

Anticipatory grief occurs before someone passes, which is often experienced when a loved one is diagnosed with a terminal, degenerative or chronic illness. There’s no correct timeframe for how long anticipatory grief lasts—it can be weeks, months or even years. You may feel guilty for grieving someone that is still living. You may be fearful and anxious about the unexpected nature of the future. You may be continuously searching for meaning or closure to prepare yourself for the loss. Anticipatory grief can feel isolating because it can be difficult to describe, and others may not be able to fully understand what you are going through. It’s important to recognize that this type of grief is extremely valid.

How do I cope with this grief?

1. Acknowledge and validate your feelings

Anticipatory grief is a natural emotional and reactional process. Grief is trying to protect you as a signal to prepare for what is to come. Don’t push the feelings away! Instead, examine them with compassion.

2. Build a strong support system

It is difficult to manage anticipatory grief, especially alone. It can be helpful to connect with a support group of people who are going through a similar experience. Lean on those that you trust for emotional support. If accessible, consider reaching out to a support worker who can help care for your loved one. Accepting help can give you more space to care for both yourself and your loved one. In addition, grief counselling is worth considering as it can help you process your emotions and offer a validating perspective during a time when you may feel misunderstood.

3. Create moments and rituals to foster emotional processing

It is likely that your loved one is not the same as the person they once were, but that doesn’t mean that you cannot create new pleasurable memories with them. Reminisce on memories together, spend time in nature, listen to music, watch films or play board games. Try to adapt activities to your new normal. These new moments are important for them and for you. You may want to engage in rituals that foster the processing of your grief independently or with your loved ones, such as a writing a grief letter, creating memory boxes or participating in a grief circle.

4. Focus on self-care

Self-care helps support both your mind and body during difficult times. Make sleep, nourishing meals and mindfulness a priority. Activities like hobbies and exercise can offer a healthy cathartic outlet for intense emotions. Sticking to a reasonable and realistic self-care routine helps ensure that you don’t lose sight of yourself. It can help build resilience as you move through your own unique healing process.

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