You’re in a conversation and suddenly your brain goes into overdrive.

“Did that sound weird?”

“Why did I say that?”

“They think I’m awkward. I know it.”

Later, when you’re alone, you replay the interaction on a loop, dissecting every word, every facial expression, every pause. You feel embarrassed, exposed, even though nothing objectively “bad” happened.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. This is the exhausting cycle of social anxiety. At the heart of it is a relentless inner critic, whispering that you’re being judged, that you don’t belong, that if people really saw you, they’d reject you.

The truth is: you’re not broken. You’re not weak. Your mind is trying to protect you, it’s just gotten a little too good at scanning for danger.

Let’s take a closer look at what’s really happening with social anxiety, and how you can begin to quiet that critical voice and feel more at ease just being you.

What Social Anxiety Really Feels Like

Social anxiety isn’t just “shyness.” It’s a deep fear of being seen and evaluated, and is often accompanied by intense physical discomfort, like:

Racing heart
Blushing or sweating
Stomach upset
Dry mouth or shaky hands
Trouble making eye contact
Feeling frozen or disconnected during conversation

Even simple interactions, like asking a question, joining a group, and speaking up at work, can feel like high-stakes situations. You might find yourself avoiding social events, over- preparing for conversations, or spending hours afterward replaying what you said.

What’s especially painful is the shame spiral that can follow. After social interactions, you might get caught in thoughts like:

“Why did I say that?”
“I must’ve looked so stupid.”
“They definitely noticed how nervous I was.”
“Everyone else is so much more confident than me.”

This post-event analysis can last for hours, or days. And over time, it chips away at your confidence and makes you more likely to avoid social situations altogether.

The Role of the Inner Critic

A big player in social anxiety is the inner critic, that harsh, internal voice that constantly points out what you’re doing “wrong.” It’s like having an imaginary audience in your head, but instead of cheering you on, they’re booing. This voice might sound like:

“You’re so awkward.”
“No one wants to hear what you have to say.”
“You’re too much / not enough / just weird.”

It often stems from past experiences, maybe you were teased, dismissed, or taught to keep your feelings to yourself. Somewhere along the way, you learned that being you wasn’t safe. Now, the inner critic thinks it’s helping you by keeping you small, quiet, and careful. But really, it’s keeping you disconnected and anxious.

Breaking the Cycle: Small Steps Toward Freedom

The good news? You can quiet the inner critic. You can challenge the shame spiral. And you can learn to show up in social situations with more calm, confidence, and self-trust.

Here are some gentle, doable strategies:

1. Notice the Stories You’re Telling Yourself

Start by observing the anxious thoughts without getting pulled into them. Try saying to yourself:

“I’m having the thought that they think I’m awkward.”
“This is my inner critic talking. I don’t have to believe everything it says.”

Creating even a little distance between you and your thoughts can help you respond with more clarity and less panic.

2. Practice Self-Compassion, Especially After Interactions

After a social interaction, your instinct might be to criticize or ruminate. Instead, try offering yourself kindness, like you would to a close friend. Try saying:

“That was tough, but I’m proud of myself for trying.”
“It’s okay to feel nervous. I don’t need to be perfect to be worthy.”
“Everyone says weird stuff sometimes. That doesn’t mean I don’t belong.”

Compassion disrupts the shame spiral and builds a new, safer relationship with yourself.

3. Shift Focus Off Yourself

Social anxiety loves to keep the spotlight on you: how you look, sound, sit, speak. It creates the illusion that everyone is analyzing your every move (they’re not). Try gently redirecting your attention outward:

Focus on what the other person is saying.
Get curious about their perspective.
Notice colours, sounds, textures in the room. This helps calm your nervous system and reminds you: you don’t have to perform, you just have to connect.

4. Challenge Avoidance With Tiny, Brave Actions

Avoiding social situations feels safer in the moment, but it strengthens anxiety in the long run. Try experimenting with small steps that gently stretch your comfort zone. Examples:

Make eye contact with a cashier.
Comment in a group chat or online space.
Text a friend you haven’t talked to in a while.
Go to a gathering but allow yourself to leave after 30 minutes.

The goal isn’t to be fearless, but to build tolerance for discomfort and create new evidence that you can handle it.

5. Find (or Create) Safe Social Spaces

You don’t have to dive into large, loud crowds to work on social confidence. In fact, safe, accepting environments can help you feel more regulated and connected. Consider:

A small book club or hobby group
Peer support spaces (online or in-person)
A trusted therapist or coach
One-on-one time with people you already feel safe with

When we feel emotionally safe, we’re more likely to take healthy risks and express ourselves authentically.

Final Thoughts

Social anxiety isn’t about being broken, it’s about being deeply attuned to social danger, sometimes to the point of exhaustion. But that awareness doesn’t have to rule your life.

When you begin to question your inner critic, show yourself kindness, and take small steps toward connection, something powerful happens: you start to realize that being seen doesn’t have to be so scary. In fact, it can be freeing.

You don’t need to be perfect. You don’t need to “fix” yourself before you can belong. You are already enough, just as you are, nervous voice, sweaty palms, awkward silence and all

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