Often when we think of anger, we see it as a negative emotion, especially during conflict with others. Anger can feel unpleasant and sometimes it controls us, causing one to perhaps say or do things reactively that may end up inflicting harm on the other person we are in contention with. Learning how to manage anger is a skill that allows for better communication and for more peace with others and ourselves. It is also not a skill that many of us growing up learned how to understand and navigate. It is easier to manage our response and reactivity when anger is mild. But, when anger is intensified during conflict and we find we are unable to respond calmly, the conversation ends up turning unproductive. Perhaps we react by saying hurtful things, which results in the other person to be equally reactive or withdraw from the conversation.

What is anger?

Anger “is an emotional response to a real or imagined threat or provocation”. It can be felt on a spectrum from minimal anger to fury and rage (Kjaervik & Bushman, 2024).

What if we could view anger differently from seeing it as an unpleasant emotion we want to rid ourselves of? Anger is a totally normal human emotion like every other emotion we experience. It is healthy and normal to feel anger. It can actually be helpful as it teaches us there is something going on internally that is causing those feelings. Ultimately, anger serves as a function to indicate that something does not feel or sit right with us. Think about a time you were angry at someone or a situation. Ask yourself, what were you really feeling underneath the anger? You will discover that anger is actually a secondary emotion, not a primary emotion. Picture an iceberg and anger is the tip of the iceberg above the water. Below the water line lies primary underlying emotions. It might be disappointment, frustration, resentment, hurt, or sadness undulating underneath.

How does anger show up in your body?

When anger is increasingly escalated, our body sends us into a high state of arousal meaning that we often enter into a “fight or flight” response. In order to understand how to manage anger, we firstly need to explore how anger shows up in our body. Understanding your body’s physiological and physical responses is the first step to be able to identify when anger arises within. As you learn to identify how anger manifests physically, you will be able to catch yourself the next time you start feeling angry and perhaps want to emotionally react.

Take a moment to reflect on where you notice anger coming up for you in your body. Anger felt in your body may look like:

- Increased heart rate or palpitations

- Tightness in the chest

- Pressure in the head

- Waves of hot flashes through the body or in the face

- Tension in the shoulders

- Sweating

- Increased volume in voice or rate of speech

- Heavy or sinking pit feeling in the stomach

Tips for managing anger during conflict

1. Postpone conversation until you are in a calmer state

If you notice that the conversation has now escalated into an argument where your anger is making it challenging to control your words, actions and tone, postpone the conversation. This may be needing space and time to cool off. Tell the other person that you need space or time to decompress because you are feeling angry and that you are unable to engage in the conversation right now. Try to also emphasize that you will be back later at a specific time to continue the discussion. Saying this demonstrates to the other person that you want to finish the conversation and that it is equally important for you to resolve conflict.

2. Breathing exercises and grounding techniques

Intentional breathing through box breathing techniques or merely taking deep breaths for at least 5 minutes can help alleviate tension and reduce acceleration of heart rate. Somatic movement is also a great way to release energy and the anger stored in your body. Ground yourself by going for a walk, taking a hot shower, practicing yoga, or working out in the gym. You could even have some fun with it and dance in your living room!

3. Use humour to deescalate anger and conflict

There is truth in that laughter is the best medicine. Comic relief can help interrupt anger and deescalate situations. Injecting some humor, whether that be making a joke or making a silly gesture can diffuse tension and elevate mood. Laughter can be contagious and when you share a laugh together, it creates a positive bond between you and the other person. Sometimes it helps break up the conflict and puts things into perspective. You’re able to see things more objectively when your anger no longer is controlling your words and tone and instead is replaced by a lightness and playfulness through humour.

4. Reflect on your feelings underneath the anger

As previously mentioned, anger is never truly the primary emotion. Reflect on what it is that you are feeling about the situation or person. Understanding what primary emotion you are feeling can then help assess what other thoughts you may have that are fueling anger. Afterwards, think about how you can address the disagreement or conflict by expressing your primary emotion and why you feel this way to the other person.

Reference:

Kjærvik, S. L., & Bushman, B. J. (2024). A meta-analytic review of anger management activities that increase or decrease arousal: What fuels or douses rage? Clinical Psychology Review, 109. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2024.102414

Connect Here