Do you believe you struggle with codependency? What exactly is codependency? It is a popular word that is often used today in association with and to describe relationship dynamics, but sometimes is misunderstood and misapplied.

Codependency is when one person or both individuals in the relationship depends on each other emotionally, physically, psychologically, and/or spiritually. This dynamic is not just limited to romantic relationships, but can also occur in platonic friendships and familial relationships. It can lead to unhealthy habits and patterns that hinder the ability to engage in a healthy relationship. Gradually and eventually, co-dependency can affect one’s psychological and emotional well-being, causing symptoms of depression or feelings of low self-esteem.

“I feel like I revolve my day around my partner”, “I do not know how to be alone”, “I am scared to do some things by myself or without my partner/friend/family/co-worker”, “I do not know who I am without them, “I cannot live without them”, “I do not know how to say no and want to help them no matter what”.

These are very common statements and feelings from those who struggle with codependency or codependent relationships. It can feel tough and helpless to break the cycle and change habits when you have been living and showing up in the world with these patterns for a large portion of your life. But it does not mean that it is impossible! Learning new habits, discovering healthy coping strategies, finding self love and acceptance, and receiving professional mental health support are some ways that can help you build healthy relationships and a healthier sense of self.

Where and How Does Codependency Originate?

Exploring and understanding the origin of your codependency can help you figure out why these relational patterns are showing up for you. There are a few reasons and causes that contribute to codependency:

Childhood Upbringing: Early childhood experiences and relationship dynamics, especially familial relationships, where there is abuse, neglect, chaotic environment, or lack of boundaries present can cause codependency. Patterns of behaviour may be learned when growing up in such environments where one learned to please others to be loved.
Cultural and Societal Norms: Often in collectivist cultures there is an expectation to give or extend yourself for social harmony or community. This can develop self- sarcrificing and codependent habits and beliefs.

Signs of Codependency

So, what does codependency look like? Recognizing and identifying the signs are the first step to establishing whether you exhibit codependency and how certain patterns show up in your relationships.

Prioritizing someone else’s needs over your own: Sacrificing or neglecting your own needs, such as hobbies, interests, and personal or emotional needs. The needs of others are usually placed first and given more energy towards despite the possibility of it negatively impacting your own well-being and happiness

Having difficulty trusting yourself and your own judgement: This can look like an inability to make your own decisions, accompanied with the need for guidance or direction from others
Difficulty setting boundaries: Not knowing what your boundaries are in relationships and feeling guilty when asserting your own needs
Struggle with low self-esteem and self-worth: Resulting in a need for external validation or a dependency on others for fulfillment, emotional survival, or self-worth in order to feel ‘worthy’
Fear of abandonment or rejection: Intense worry or fear about being abandoned or rejected by others and what this might mean or say about you as a person. Perhaps that you are ‘unworthy’ or ‘unlovable’.

Ways to Overcome Codependency

Creating new habits can help you lead a more confident and empowered life, breaking away from codependent cycles and patterns. Here are some ways to overcome codependency.

1. Evaluate and Set Boundaries Explore what your personal boundaries are to help you define when are moments you notice yourself leaning on others for fulfilment or validation. Was there a time or relationship that you felt a line was being crossed? This includes evaluating times when you were neglecting your own needs and over-giving to fulfill others’ needs before yours.

2. Communicate Firmly The next step is to learn how to communicate assertively and firmly so that you are able to establish boundaries in your interpersonal relationships. Let your loved ones know what your boundaries are and ask them to respect it. It will help you identify what your needs are, boost your self-confidence, and teach others and yourself how you want to be cherished and treated. Alongside, learn to sit with the discomfort of saying ‘no’ to things. You have a right to say no. Try to tell yourself that you are not a bad person for setting boundaries. Reflect and journal how this might have felt for you.

3. Practice Prioritising Your Needs This goes hand in hand with the first two steps. Try to practice listening to yourself and your body what you need today. Practice daily things you need, whether it is alone time or physical rest.

4. Spend Time By and With Yourself Part of codependent relationships is sometimes feeling the need or desire to be intensely attached to the other, which results in your sense of identity being lost. Discover who you are individually by spending time with yourself. Do activities that you have been wanting to try or find enjoyable by yourself, such as going to the movies or taking up a dance class.

When we begin to set boundaries, practice prioritising our own needs, learn how to communicate them, and explore our self-identity despite how scary it all may feel, you begin. to grow less unhealthily attached in relationships and develop a stronger sense of self. It is not easy to overcome codependency. It will not occur overnight. It takes time and practicing these habits every day will continually help you grow and become more confident. You are teaching yourself and others that you are deserving of love and relationships, where your boundaries and needs are respected and valued. Just like how you have been pouring love and trying to fill others’ cups, it is now time for you to fill your own too.

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