An important holiday or family event is approaching. Are you the one juggling all the plans—making sure the event happens, coordinating schedules, and keeping everyone in the loop? Meanwhile, no one else seems to care whether the family gets together. Does it exhaust you, yet deep down, you know that if you don’t make it happen, it simply won’t?

What is Kin-Keeping?

This invisible labour has a name: kin-keeping. While upholding family traditions and strengthening bonds can feel rewarding, it can also be exhausting when the responsibility isn’t shared. Kin-keeping should bring families together, but when it’s one person’s job, it can create burnout and resentment. These duties can be spread across the family to prevent it from becoming overwhelming.

Why Women Are Often the Default Kin-Keepers

Historically and culturally, women are often the default kinkeepers. As women, we’re seen as the “heart of the family,” which places us in charge of organizing holidays, caregiving, and providing emotional support. Over generations, we were socialized to prioritize the family’s well-being over our own, often at the expense of our personal ambitions. Many of our families have a matriarchal figure who is the glue that holds the family together. Historically, our mothers, aunts, and grandmothers modelled kin-keeping behaviours and passed these responsibilities down to us.

The Toll of Kin-Keeping

The pressure to preserve our family traditions and keep our families connected can take its mental and emotional toll on us. We can experience stress and burnout from juggling multiple responsibilities and become anxious about pleasing everyone or maintaining family harmony. As women, we are constantly carrying this mental load of planning, organizing, and remembering every little detail: birthdays, holidays, family gatherings, who likes what, and making sure everyone stays connected.

Reclaiming Kin-Keeping: It’s Not Just a Woman’s Job

It’s no secret that the pressure to keep family traditions alive often falls on women. But here’s the thing: kin-keeping doesn’t have to be solely your responsibility. If it feels like too much, it’s okay to step back. You don’t have to do it all. Setting boundaries without guilt is important, and asking for help is okay. Whether it’s delegating tasks or sharing responsibilities, you don’t need to carry the whole load. Reclaiming kin-keeping means recognizing that your well-being is as important as maintaining traditions. You have the power to decide how you navigate this, and it doesn’t all have to fall on you.

Practical Tips for Redefining Kin-Keeping

Share the responsibilities with your partner, siblings, or other family members. Instead of managing every detail yourself, delegate specific roles—one person can handle invitations, another can take care of decorations, and someone else can oversee meal planning. Be clear about your limits by having an open conversation about dividing up responsibilities. Simplify traditions so that the focus is on meaningful connections, not perfection. Kin-keeping doesn’t have to fall on one person. Share the responsibility and ownership of traditions for everyone’s benefit. It’s okay to let go of the expectation to maintain family traditions alone and ask for help —your well-being comes first.

It’s important to recognize that just because kin-keeping can feel like a burden sometimes doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy it. If you love being the one who brings the family together, that’s completely okay. However, it’s crucial to set realistic expectations for yourself. When responsibilities are spread out, and stress is reduced, you can still enjoy the role of kin-keeper without feeling overwhelmed. It’s all about finding balance and nurturing your family bonds without sacrificing your well-being.

If you feel weighed down by the invisible labour of kin-keeping, reach out to me or another therapist. Together, we can explore ways to lighten the load, redefine family roles, and help you reconnect with what truly matters—Your well-being and the joy of meaningful connections.

connect here

Learn more about anxiety therapy