Growing up, when I thought of grief I always attributed it to the loss of a loved one or pet, but grief is so much more than that. We grieve many things throughout our lives, relationship breakdowns, goals we have not attained, and at some points our own sense of self.

Major life changes, like divorce, force us to mourn the “what ifs” or the “should, could, or would have been.” Many people see divorce as something that is a decision, a clean break or fresh start, but in all reality it is a loss. A loss of the person you were in that relationship, and a loss of a future, a routine, and a version of you that existed within that relationship.

There are many feelings that come with the ending of a marriage. Feelings like denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, pretty much all the stages of grief. But going through all those stages allows you to move forward towards rebuilding and re-learning what it means to be you.

Going through divorce taught me how grief plays a role in how to reshape that sense of self that felt broken in a way. Grieving through divorce is not easy. One minute you are going about your day happy and perfectly fine, and the next you are crying. It is not an uncommon thing to go through, it is something that is very confusing at times and honestly, that’s okay. You are still allowed to miss that person, even if you no longer have or see a future with them. They’re a part of your journey, and sometimes it can be hard to fully let that version of them go. There is nothing wrong with that.

Give yourself permission to grieve

Allow yourself the ability to feel all the feelings that come along with the grief of losing that part of your story. There is no rush to feel a certain way or move on. Everyone’s timeline will be different and like many therapist’s, myself included, discuss in sessions “healing is not linear.”

Seek Support

Therapy can be a great source for support. Having someone there to lean on who is non-judgmental and works to create a safe space for their client is essential on the journey towards healing. Divorce support groups can offer a helping hand and possibly a different perspective on what you are going through, and also allows you the opportunity to meet others who are on a similar path as you. Moreover, seeking out support from friends, family, and colleagues who you feel comfortable sharing those emotions with can help you feel better.

Take Care of Yourself

Self-care is an essential part of this healing journey. It is something that looks different for everyone. Being mindfully present in the moment, whether your cleaning, doing a task, or listening to music, can be something simple to practice throughout the day. Journaling, reading, painting, or finding a physical activity that you enjoy are all other examples of self-care activities. One of my favourite practices for self-care is cuddling my dogs, they are my silent (sometimes not so silent) unconditional supports.

Look Towards the Future

There is a sort of fear or uncertainty for the future when it comes to divorce. Starting over, no matter what age or where you are in life, can be scary. Divorce robbed me of the version of myself that lived for the other person’s approval and forced me to rediscover who I was when no one is watching. It is something that feels more peaceful, and authentic. Growing after the loss does not mean the grief disappears, it just stops defining who you are.

The grief you feel from the loss of the relationship is not something that will last forever, one day you’ll wake up and the hurt you feel right now will be less. Those memories you had are forever but it is not something that will characterize who you are. Moreover, taking time to reconnect with yourself is crucial. It gives you the chance to explore what are the things in your life that give you peace, not necessary who.

Closing Comments

Divorce is the ending of a chapter of your life but there is so much more to your story. Grief is a part of the way towards a new future for yourself and the healing starts when you start treating the grief as a part of you that deserves the love and attention that you need, and stop treating it as though it is a problem to be solved. It is important to remember that you are not alone in this, and that there are many different resources and support at your disposal to help you through this loss. Seeking therapy or leaning on a person that you are close with can be the start to your healing.

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