Blue or Red? Why Can't I Choose? Understanding and Managing Indecisiveness
Do you regularly struggle with making both everyday and more complex decisions?
What should I wear to the party? Should I take that new job? What should I buy to furnish this room? Where should I go on vacation? Should I date them? Do you spend excessive amounts of time and mental energy trying to make the best or perfect decision?
Endlessly researching, but it never seems enough
Repeatedly asking others for their opinions, and then becoming even more overwhelmed and confused
Missing out on important life events or being chronically late
When making a decision, do you experience the following?
Anxiety / internal distress
Ruminating thoughts
Mood changes
Dread
Difficulty sleeping
Feeling paralyzed
Avoidance
Regret (after)
If so, you may be struggling with indecisiveness, or decisional procrastination - the inability to make decisions effectively or in a timely manner. Indecisiveness affects up to 20% of the population and can have a significant impact on someone’s life. Considering that humans make over 35,000 decisions per day, it is normal that we might struggle with decision making periodically. However, when making decisions begins to cause intense emotional distress, you find yourself leaning on others for even the smallest choice, or you are unable to live the life you want, a change may be needed. Thankfully, decision making is a skill that gets easier with practice.
Why Am I This Way?
Indecisiveness can stem from many difference sources:
Learned behaviour. As children, we either learned that decision making was an opportunity to learn and grow, which increased our comfort and confidence when making decisions, or we learned that making “bad” choices can get us intro trouble, which led to delaying a decision as it was safer.
Fear of failure. In childhood, parental criticism over poor decision could have led to decision making avoidance due to fear of being seen as a failure. This may have carried over into adulthood, where indecisiveness and avoidance of making decisions became an unconscious coping mechanism.
Perfectionism. When options are seen only as right or wrong, as seen with perfectionism, many people fear making the wrong decision and can become paralyzed. The unrealistic expectation of a perfect outcome can lead to extensively researching information or options, which may never be satisfactory.
People pleasing. Worrying that a decision may negatively impact or not be agreed upon by others can lead you to constantly turn to others for their opinions. This also avoids responsibility from the potentially unfavorable outcome. This pattern can lead you to lose your sense of self and interests.
Lack of confidence. Those who are aware of the choice they want to make but lack confidence may engage in an internal battle where their insecurities prevent them from speaking up. This self-doubt can lead to procrastination and prevent them from living the life they desire.
Decision fatigue. When there are too many choices to make in a short period of time, a hasty decision might be made without proper contemplation in order to get it over with. Additionally, past experiences of similar situations may point a decision in one direction, while the facts of the new situation point in another.
Symptom of other mental health condition. Indecisiveness has been linked to generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), major depressive disorder (MDD), post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), hoarding, and stress.
So, I Struggle with Indecisiveness. Now What?
There are many strategies that can help make decision making easier and quicker. Keep in mind that not every strategy will be effective for everyone, and that practice is needed for you to become comfortable and confident using it. Over time, you should start to see your indecisiveness transform into decisiveness and begin living the life you want be. Tips for becoming more decisive:
Stop asking others for their opinion – start making decisions yourself
If needed, use one person as a sounding board when struggling
Trust your intuition – only you truly know the best decision for you
Set time limits when researching information or options
Ask yourself how the options will lead you towards or away from your needs and goals
Develop your confidence – avoid second-guessing by making a choice and moving on
Accept that not everything is within your control, including always making the right/perfect decision
Write your choices down, outline the pros and cons of each, narrow it down to three choices, evaluate, and pick one!
For simpler decisions, flip a coin – your reaction to the toss will help show what you truly want
Understand that making decisions may lead to a bumpy road and discomfort – this does not mean the wrong choice was made
Reframe decision making from a loss-oriented perspective to a gain-oriented perspective
Journal your thoughts and feelings throughout the decision-making process – What went well? What did you struggle with? How can you improve on this skill for next time?
Acknowledge and praise yourself when you make a decision, regardless of the outcome
I Am Still Struggling, What Else Can I Do?
If you have taken the time to reflect on the factors that may be influencing your indecisiveness and have practiced some of these strategies with little or no change, you may benefit from seeing a therapist who can provide additional tools.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) Therapists – they can help you evaluate the thoughts and feelings influencing your indecisiveness, and begin taking steps to modify each of these, so that making choices becomes less threatening
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) Therapists – they can help you reflect on your values and learn how to use to help guide decision making in a way that reflects your beliefs and the life you want to live You can regain control over your indecisiveness, one decision at a time.