According to societal expectations, mothers are a pillar of endless patience, always kind and caring, selflessly putting their children’s and families’ needs first. This is a lovely image, but these unrealistic expectations can make mothers feel like they are never good enough; suppressing their own needs can cause resentment, irritability, and outbursts, more commonly known as “Mom Rage.” This common experience is rarely talked about until recently when Minna Dubin wrote an essay in 2020 published in the New York Times titled “The Rage Mothers Don’t Talk About” and helped bring this topic to mainstream media. In today’s blog, we will go over what mom rage is and the causes, and suggest some strategies when experiencing this challenging feeling.

What is Mom Rage?

Mom rage, a common experience among mothers, is the overwhelming anger that stems from unrealistic expectations of perfect motherhood and insufficient support from both society and family (Dubin, 2020). It's not just a few who face this; a poll on Today.com (2023) revealed that a staggering 91% of participants have experienced some level of mom rage. This rage is often cyclical, starting with striving for perfection, escalating to frustration, and exploding in anger, followed by guilt and attempts to make amends, only to start over.

What about Partners?

Of course, dads and partners can experience rage as well, as rage is an emotion and does not discriminate based on gender. However, the gender politics created by society make dad rage a different experience than mom rage. Dubin (2023) noted that men are often rewarded for their anger, whereas women are judged for this emotion. She explains that when we see a dad become enraged, we see it as situational, “Oh the kids must have been misbehaving”. However, for moms, society often puts it on something she did, or sees it as a character flaw. When dad yells, he is being a disciplinarian; when mom yells, she is being a “bad mom”. It's important to note that while both parents can experience anger, the societal reactions and consequences are often different, adding an extra layer of pressure and judgment for mothers.

Strategies for Managing Mom Rage

One of the most powerful things to mitigate the effects of mom rage is the self-awareness to recognize that it is happening. Therefore, as we increase our self-awareness, we can increase our ability to recognize that our irritability is growing. As we recognize our irritability is increasing, we can acknowledge it and respond with self-compassion to soothe ourselves. So, how can we do this?

1. Notice and Name- This Acceptance and Commitment Therapy technique is helpful to unhook from intense emotions. Instead of saying, "I am angry," try, "I notice feelings of anger." This helps separate you from the emotion and allows you to explore its causes without judgment.

2. Increasing self-awareness through mindfulness- Engage in mindfulness practices like meditation to observe your thoughts without reaction. Visualize thoughts as leaves on a stream, coming and going without interference. You can try this on your own or find a guided version on an app or streaming platform.

3. Responding with Self-Compassion- Being a parent is hard. Recognizing this and offering yourself some compassionate words can help soothe us in a moment of intensity. Try, “I am noticing anger. This is hard. May I be kind to myself”.

4. Taking Space & Breathing- Being a mom can be so overstimulating. When we notice that we are experiencing challenging thoughts/feelings/behaviours. Safely stepping away and taking a few moments to get grounded can be very supportive. When we notice ourselves becoming dysregulated, try this technique called the “physiological sigh.” Research has shown that the physiological sigh can help us manage and reset our nervous system and emotional state (PsychSolutions, 2023). How to do the physiological sigh:

Take a deep breath until you have reached your lungs full capacity.
Then, take another inhalation.
Finally, slow and controlled, breathe out longer than you inhaled.

This technique helps reduce stress by lowering your heart rate and stabilizing emotions.

5. Seeking Support- Talking to your family, friends, and other moms can help decrease the isolation or loneliness that mom rage can create.

6. Seeking Professional Support- Working through mom rage with a counsellor can allow you a safe place to explore your feelings and additionally learn skills to cope with the distress you may feel. Mom rage does not make you a bad parent, but rather a human dealing with complex emotions.

Acknowledging and managing these feelings is about more than coping; it is about growing. The journey toward understanding can transform you into a more compassionate parent, a supportive partner, and a resilient friend.

References

Colosi, R. (2023, October 23). Mom rage: The “hidden crisis” that nearly every mother knows. TODAY.com. https://www.today.com/parents/moms/mom-rage-rcna118985

Dubin, M. (2020, April 16). The rage mothers don’t talk about. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/15/parenting/mother-rage.html

The science of physiological sigh: Insights from Huberman lab . PsychSolutions. (2023, October 2). https://psychsolutions.ca/the-science-of-physiological-sigh-insights-from-huberman- lab/

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