Exploring “Bids for Connection” in Relationships
For me, one of the most interesting concepts from therapists John and Julie Gottman is the idea of emotional “Bids,” which are attempts that individuals make to connect with their partners.
John Gottman’s longstanding pursuit explored what separated relationship “masters” and relationship “disasters.” After years of research on what separates successful and unsuccessful relationships, John Gottman found that successful couples pay attention to each other, and are attentive in conversations regardless of the topic.
What is a “Bid for Connection?”
According to Gottman, a bid refers to a “fundamental unit of emotional connection,” which can be verbal or non-verbal, and express a request to connect to the other partner, whether this be a question, statement, or physical outreach. Bids are typically subtle, as it can feel uncomfortable to outright tell our partners that we need their attention, so bids can take the form of questions like, “What should we eat for dinner tonight,” or simply reaching out to touch your partner.
So how should I respond to a “Bid?”
Gottman shared that there are three main ways to respond to a bid:
The first is by turning towards our partner, or acknowledging their bid (ie. responding to your partner’s question or watching a funny video that they’re showing you).
Let’s say you and your partner are out for dinner and they turn to you to express how good their pasta is. Turning towards your partner, you may agree and respond, “You’re right! The pasta here is phenomenal.” If you did not like the pasta, you may turn towards your partner by asking, “Hmm, what do you like about it?”
The second response is to turn away from your partner, which outlines ignoring or missing their bid (ie. hearing your partner’s question, but purposefully ignoring them, or telling your partner that you are nervous about something and not receiving encouragement or acknowledgement).
Using the pasta example, you may turn away from your partner after they express their thoughts by ignoring what they said entirely or by disregarding the bid to glance at Instagram or check their emails.
The third and final response to bids are turning against your partner, or rejecting their bid in an argumentative or confrontational way (ie. getting frustrated when your partner attempts to receive your attention, or expressing that they are “Too needy/talkative/annoying, etc.”
In the scenario, after expressing how delicious the pasta is, you may turn against your partner and respond, “Eww, the pasta is disgusting. Why would you eat something like that?” Ouch, pretty harsh.
It’s important to remember that relationships are not built on occasional date nights or fun outings, but from daily attention and acknowledgement of each other. Gottman found that “masters” turned towards each other 86% of the time, while “disasters” turned to each other 33% of the time.
Interestingly, Gottman found that happy couples bid all the time, and noted that “masters” can bid up to one hundred times in ten-minutes, whereas “disasters” engage about sixty-five times in the same time frame!
How can I integrate “Bids” with my partner?
Bids can be a very small gesture, but hold an immense amount of power in relationships. You can acknowledge bids by simply sending a good luck message, kissing your partner when they return home, acknowledging something they enjoy (a funny TikTok or a big sports win), or asking them what’s wrong when they sigh or look upset.
Essentially, bids for connections, are, in Gottman terms, turning towards our partners’ bids for attention, affirmation, affection, appreciation, connection, you name it! Turning towards out partner starts with simply paying attention to them.
Here are some more examples:
So, what if “Bids” are ignored?
Gottman found that a lot of the time, couples do not break-up due to major conflicts like infidelity or a tumultuous argument, but is most often the result of resentment and distance that only grows over time when we are not acknowledged by our partners.
When our bids for affection or connection are consistently rejected or met with criticism, we begin to internalize these experiences and become frustrated with the lack of connection or attention from our partners.
The most important piece to remember is that turning towards our partners begins with paying attention to them! Check out some other great resources here:
https://www.gottman.com/blog/want-to-improve-your-relationship-start-paying-more- attention-to-bids/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ib7Ain2aVR0
https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/
https://abetterlifetherapy.com/blog/bids-for-connection#:~:text=One%20key %20concept%20within%20the,or%20even%20a%20casual%20touch