The expectations placed on moms today can feel overwhelming. Between juggling work, school pick-ups, extracurriculars, and the endless demands of family life, many mothers are left wondering how to keep everything running without completely burning out. Gone are the days of the proverbial village; instead, many families find themselves navigating parenthood without much support. At the same time, intensive parenting has become the norm, with parents now spending twice as much time with their children as they did in the 1960s — even though most mothers then stayed home (Source: https://www.economist.com/graphic-detail/2017/11/27/parents-now-spend-twice-as- much-time-with-their-children-as-50-years-ago). The result? A mounting sense of guilt, shame, and exhaustion for so many moms.

This shift has contributed to a rise in mental health struggles among mothers, feeding feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy. If you’re a mother, you likely know this all too well. You feel pressure to enroll your children in the right extracurriculars, nurture their academic and artistic interests, encourage sports (the more competitive, the better!), all while keeping an Instagram-worthy house, managing the family calendar, paying the bills, and — oh, don’t forget self-care!

It. Is. Exhausting. But what if there were a way to ease some of this pressure, not by doing more, but by changing the way you relate to yourself?

What is Self-Compassion? Enter the concept of self-compassion. Developed by educational psychology professor Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion is “…a self-attitude that involves treating oneself with warmth and understanding in difficult times and recognizing that making mistakes is part of being human” (Source: https://ccare.stanford.edu/research/wiki/compassion-definitions/self-compassion/).

Neff’s framework breaks self-compassion down into three key elements:

1. Self-Kindness: Treating yourself with the same care and understanding you would offer a friend. This also means extending compassion to ourselves rather than ignoring our pain or engaging in self-criticism when we fail, feel inadequate, or suffer.

2. Common Humanity: Recognizing that struggles are part of the shared human experience. Common humanity calls on us to see that everyone makes mistakes, and we are not alone in the experience of being flawed — it joins us more than it separates us.

3. Mindfulness: Acknowledging your emotions without over-identifying with them. This means approaching our pain with curiosity and acceptance, rather than ignoring it or letting it overwhelm us. By stepping back from our struggles and observing them with clarity, we can better understand our experiences without being consumed by negative emotions. (Source: https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/#the-elements- of-self-compassion)

It’s also important to name what self-compassion isn’t. Self-compassion is not the same as self-pity or self-indulgence. It’s about extending kindness and balance to ourselves in a way that enables us to bounce back more easily, not sink more deeply into shame, regret, or self-loathing.

Self-Compassion for Mothers

Self-compassion can make a huge difference for over-extended mothers, helping to ease feelings of depression, anxiety, and stress. Research shows that when we approach our struggles with kindness instead of judgment, we’re less likely to get stuck in rumination or avoidance. This mindset makes it easier to choose actions that align with what we value most and to reach out for support when we need it (Source: https://rdcu.be/d0n6i).

For mothers, practicing self-compassion can reduce burnout by addressing the feelings of depletion that so many experience. When moms take care of their emotional well-being, they’re better equipped to model healthy habits for their children, like managing big emotions in adaptive ways. Since kids learn so much through relationships, this has a ripple effect, teaching them to approach their own challenges with more resilience.

Self-compassion also empowers mothers to challenge the myth of the “perfect mother.” This unrealistic standard creates constant pressure to do everything right, which only fuels feelings of guilt and shame. By letting go of the need to be perfect, moms can embrace their common humanity and focus on what really matters: being present, authentic, and connected with their children.

I’m In! How Do I Practice Self-Compassion?

Incorporating self-compassion into your daily life doesn’t have to be complicated. Here are three simple practices to get started:

1. Self-Compassion Breaks

When parenting feels overwhelming, pause for a moment, take a deep breath, and gently remind yourself:

“This is hard right now.” (Acknowledging the struggle without judgment)
“It’s okay to struggle; parenting is challenging for everyone.” (Recognizing you’re not alone)
“I deserve the same kindness I’d offer to a friend.” (Extending kindness to yourself) This quick exercise can help ground you and shift your mindset during tough moments.

2. Reframing Mistakes as Learning Opportunities

We all have moments we’re not proud of, like snapping at our kids. Instead of beating yourself up, try this: acknowledge the mistake, apologize, and think about what you can do differently next time. By treating mistakes as opportunities to grow, you model accountability and self-compassion for your children.

3. Daily Affirmations or Journaling

Take a moment each day to remind yourself, “I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.” If you enjoy journaling, write down three things you did well as a parent that day. It’s a great way to focus on your strengths and celebrate the small wins.

Even small acts of self-compassion can make a big difference. Start with what feels manageable and notice how it changes your relationship with yourself and your family.

Parenting is one of the hardest jobs out there, and no one does it perfectly. By practicing self-compassion, you can create space for growth, connection, and greater emotional well-being for both you and your family. These small steps toward kindness and understanding can create meaningful change in your life and in the lives of those you love. If you would like extra support in cultivating self-compassion or exploring how it can transform your parenting journey, working with a therapist can be a helpful next step. Together, we can explore what self-compassion looks like for you and build a path toward a more balanced and fulfilling life

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